Blog — Page 58

Nov 09 2016

Rise

When the tone last night on Twitter went from cautious hope to gallows humour to utter shock and horror, I watched all of it. Perhaps a mix of a trainwreck I couldn’t look away from and utter disbelief, I was up until nearly 5am, checking Twitter on my phone well after I shut my laptop down for the night. All but a few of the most cynical people I know genuinely thought humans were better than that. Admittedly I was one of them and should’ve known better.

I’ve already been ranting on social media about rape culture and white supremacy, trying to share resources, and privately comforting American friends. I’m Canadian, and I admit I’m privileged by a certain level of distance from events, but the same attitudes that led to Trump are rife everywhere else and I absolutely believe we as America’s neighbours must confront uncomfortable truths as well and remain vigilant; humans are headed for another awful period, and we must not remain complacent.

I haven’t much else to add; it is not my country of residence going through this, and while I feel shock and horror as a woman, I am not in fear for my safety (concerned, due to NATO and climate change, but anyway…). But there is a thing I know very well.

Despair.

I know how to live without hope (seriously, fuck you, hope) because everything I ever hoped for is gone. I know how to survive fully aware things will never get better. I know how to keep breathing in the face of a world and body and mind that continually tells you to stop; while there is still a 15% chance I ultimately won’t survive bipolar disorder, after over twenty years of it I can say I have a reasonable understanding of how to do so.

You survive despair by finding a way to keep breathing every day. You find inspiration to fight even when you know you’ll never win. You keep taking care of yourself. You become someone else if you have to.

You surround yourself with stories—watch Aliens or Fury Road if you need to be reminded that women who fight monsters sometimes win. Find those moments of clarity and truth in fiction, and hold tight to the heroes and survivors who inspire you. Write a character who inspires you, who helps you survive (this is where both Zara and Livi came from).

Here is something absolutely no one knows about me: nearly every morning, my alarm goes off, and it’s “I Shall Rise”. It has been so for a year now, because I need it—because I have to get through every day with despair. That song is my moment of clarity, a deep breath as my eyes close and I feel like I might survive no matter how much I don’t want to.

And while I loved the peppiness of Hillary’s campaign tune being “Fight Song”—it’s a great song, on my running playlist and a Livi theme—I felt like she should’ve had “I Shall Rise”; she is a woman who has fought and been mocked, survived and been slapped, and who has risen again and again in dedication to bettering a world for people who fucking hate her. It’s an anthem of the battle-worn who keep going. And even now, you know that woman will rise.

I had hoped this “season finale of America” (wasn’t that a funny joke a few days ago?) would end with Buffy defeating misogyny…

…but you got Angel‘s “Not Fade Away” instead.

And I can’t offer any solutions or help beyond support as my American friends navigate a rightfully scary world where their friends, family, and neighbours voted for someone who advocates fascist ideals and will now have the power to enact them. I can’t offer hope, or wisdom. I can’t tell you not to despair. I can only suggest using whatever resources you have at your disposal to survive this, to rise, to keep breathing and loving and fighting.

I can offer hope that you can survive through despair.

Just keep rising.

Do you have particular fiction or heroes who remind you to rise? Let me know in the comments.

Nov 03 2016

Let’s Go Down the “Everything Is Awful” Checklist with Skyla

It’s been a very stressful week.

It started Sunday with a tension headache that had me in bed literally all day. Continued to Monday with so much running around my head is still spinning. My cat Vincent has bladder cystitis so he’s literally peeing on everything. His various medications and special food ran me $220 plus $50 in laundry done over Tuesday and Wednesday. I had not budgeted for this and my dog’s meds came due at the same time last week, which was $300 and…yeah, I am hurting. A lot. The NaNo book I’m supposed to be writing isn’t cooperating. Today was supposed to be a quiet day to support my friend going through a rough loss and maybe some writing, and then a whole heap of other stressors were thrown on.

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I hit 7pm. Realized I hadn’t eaten. At all. I think I also forgot to take my pills, which meant I also hadn’t had anything to drink.

I did steam-clean my carpet earlier, though, so there’s that.

Anyway, I had a moment of panic, and then wondered if I should even bother or just eat again tomorrow (look, it’s logical to me). I’ve been having a really rough time with everything, like eating off of paper towels because dishes are piled up, and I don’t leave my bedroom all day. It’s particularly hard to claw your way out of when you’re not even eating.

So I pulled out the Everything Is Terrible and I’m Not Okay checklist*.

I am not good at self-care. I try, really hard, and when I do most people think I’m being bitchy and antisocial, but…I try.

I think a lot of people have trouble with it too. So you out there, reading this. I want you to go through the checklist with me. I’m copying over the questions and then I’m telling you my answers/what I ate or did, etc. You can tell me in the comments what you did.

Are you hydrated?
I promptly drank 500mL of water. I am on my second bottle of water.

Have you eaten in the past three hours?
I had not eaten at all. I did go with protein, and had an English muffin with Tofutti cream cheese, and a scrambled (free range! local!) egg with green onion.

Have you showered in the past day?
I had a bath last night, but went and took a shower AND I used the new, unused guest towels which were soft and free of cat hair.

If daytime: are you dressed?
Yes, but I dress like an Active in the Dollhouse (“Did I fall asleep?” “For a little while…”) anyway. What I DID do was put on my Unicorn Bra** (okay, story down below), a fresh tank top, expensive panties, and clean yoga pants.

If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep?
Not nighttime here (at least not bedtime) but go to the original post for good advice–I’ll be doing it later.

Have you stretched your legs in the past day?
I took the dog out a few times and I STEAM-CLEANED MY CARPETS so fuck you, no, I’m sitting for the rest of this.

Have you said something nice to someone in the past day?
I think I have but it doesn’t hurt to do so again.

Have you moved your body to music in the past day?
NO I DID NOT. This was an excellent idea. Here’s my playlist while I danced with my cats:

I started with Sia:

Then swung over to Fight Song:

And ended with my Livi and West them:

Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days?
YES. This is pretty much all I do. I even got Socially Awkward Cat to cuddle in my arms last night.

Do you feel ineffective?
This is where I’m supposed to get something done. Well…I DID steam-clean my carpets today. I will do a load of dishes next.

Do you feel unattractive? Take a goddamn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look, and you’ll fight society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.
Look, I left the instructions intact there so you know to tell me I’m pretty post-shower but dressed in a poorly-lit room with no make-up.

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Do you feel paralyzed by indecision?

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I’ll make a decision about this later.

Have you seen a therapist in the past few days?
That’s not how we do things around here, List.

Have you been over-exerting yourself lately — physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually? That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment.
Um…

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Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand?
No, but my cat is on antidepressants now, so there’s that.

Have you waited a week?
I wait all the weeks, List. Unless it’s prior to getting another cat. *bad-da-bum*

YOUR TURN.

Have you taken care of yourself today?

Also, don’t forget to watch the Wonder Woman trailer ten times:

—–

*First note, the rest of it is “questions to ask before giving up”. I am not actively suicidal. Do I have daily thoughts of suicide? Yes, since I was thirteen, thanks for asking! I, however, am not in immediate danger of self-harm, but spiralling worse into a very dark place, which this also works for.

**So, the Unicorn Bra…I had to get a dress and clothes for the funeral because I didn’t want to look like a homeless street urchin, which meant finally getting a proper bra because Danni and my SiL made me. I’ve been wearing a 38DDD (demi-cup) because, well, that’s what I can find.

Turns out…I’m a 38J. That’s a thing.

So I was handed all these bras to try on and the girl came over with one, and she was like “It’s pretty, but it’s that kind of bra that never really looks good on anyone. There’s always that unicorn, though, so you can try.” Turns out…I AM A UNICORN. So it’s my go-to special bra now. (Danni responded to the girl with “She’s a Ferrari. Livi readers, you get it.)

Oct 20 2016

Guest Post: Writing Trapped in Your Storm

I’m very pleased to have my friend Darien Cox back for a visit to talk about his new release, Trapped in Your Storm.

Writing Trapped in Your Storm – The Big Compromise

2016 has been one of the most satisfying years for me as a writer, something I’d never have anticipated if you spoke to me on New Year’s Day. Like many people, I sat there in a post-holiday haze, rubbing the hangover out of my temples and muttering, “I have GOT to get my shit together.”

But I wasn’t just thinking of over-eating and too many cocktails. I hadn’t put out a book since the previous July, with Victim of Love. I’d started many, mind you, but nothing clicked. None of those false starts felt like ‘the one’. Like starting a new romantic relationship, there’s a Catch22 involved. Gotta feel it out and take the time to get to know it before you decide if it’s for you or not. But if you don’t at least try it on, you’ll never know.

It can sound a little pretentious when writers say ‘My characters tell me what to do’. But it happens. The thing is, that magic experience of channeling only kicks in once you’ve actually committed. The characters ‘telling you what to do’ means a story is really flowing, and that’s a good thing. But as I was about to start Book Three in The Village Series, suddenly I was in conflict with my characters. Because they were telling me what to do before I even wrote the first word. The problem was—I disagreed with them.

I’d put the first book in the series, Safe in Your Fire, out in March. The second, Deep in Your Shadows, came out in June. Now here I was, late summer, getting ready to write the third installment. When I first crafted the idea for this series, about four best friends who’d been brought together for a secret agenda in a quirky mountain village, I knew they’d all ultimately get their own books. That was the plan—four guys—four books.

It had worked out great for the first two. JT’s love interest is an invasive journalist who comes in from out of town. Then Christian’s love interest is the local sheriff, who has no idea what’s really going on in the village. But when I started outlining Book Three, pondering who Elliot’s love interest should be, suddenly I was plagued with dreams, images flashing in my mind even as I tried to push them out, this nagging thing going against my efforts to give Elliot a fresh love interest from outside the established village community.

The problem was Nolan. Nolan, the fourth team member. Elliot’s best friend. The guy who was supposed to feature in his own book next. I had it all worked out. Elliot would be Book Three. Nolan would be Book Four. But now suddenly, they’re telling me they want to be together. That they want it to be their story, not separate, but combined. These two friends wanted a story about them becoming lovers.

What a freaking mess I was in.

As the scenes and dialog and images of Nolan and Elliot together continued forcing their way into my thoughts, I struggled to push them out. I can’t give you guys this! You can’t be romantically linked! I need to separate you so you’ll each have your own book! I had plans, dammit. This is not what’s supposed to happen, you jerks!

I voiced my complaints to writer friends I trust, to my editor, to my significant other. They all told me what I already knew. You have to write what you’re feeling. You can’t force it another way for the sole purpose of dragging the series out for a fourth book. It’s hard enough to achieve that feeling to begin with. Now you’re gonna fight it? Fight something that’s already happening?

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘kill your darlings’, but it usually refers to a plot point the author finds clever but adds nothing to the story. But this time, I had to kill an entire book—this fourth book I’d planned to be solely about Nolan. I agonized over it, got annoyed at the characters, and worried it was the wrong choice. How would this work? Nolan and Elliot’s friendship is so deep, they work together on top secret projects, and the stability of their relationship is crucial to the entire team in Singing Bear Village. What if it doesn’t work? Will readers of The Village Series freak out and say what the hell are you doing? Because that’s what I was asking myself. What the hell am I doing?

Ultimately I had to make a choice. To do exactly what Elliot and Nolan wanted to do—take a risk. I’m pleased to say, I’m glad I took that risk. Still unsure if this would work, I started the story, and said okay boys, have at it. Show me what you got.

They showed me all right. Once those floodgates opened, Elliot and Nolan’s story spilled out so fast my wrists were aching trying to keep up with it. It felt natural, right, the perfect mix of awkwardness and excitement, and ultimately for me, one of the most enjoyable love stories I’ve ever written.

And so Book Three, Trapped in Your Storm, came out this week. It is Elliot and Nolan’s story, and concludes The Village Series with a bang—both in and out of the bedroom. So I invite readers of the series to follow along that risky path with Nolan and Elliot, and see how it turns out. With luck, you’ll have as much fun with it as I did. Thanks for reading!

Darien

Note from Skyla: I STILL HOPE THERE IS MORE SINGING BEAR VILLAGE BECAUSE BAZ.

Safe in Your Fire, the first in The Village series, is currently 99c–pick it up and then keep reading! Deep in Your Shadows is next, followed by the new release Trapped in Your Storm.

Oct 19 2016

Become a Patron of Snark!

I’ve wanted to redo some of my patreon things for a few months now and finally had a few days to work on it. It’s like anything else, seeing what works and what does, and how best to maximize what people get for their troubles. I’ve had nearly two years on the service now, and it has meant guaranteed money for my medication every month–there are no words for how much that has helped my stress level, knowing I won’t ever have to go without pills.

In addition to ARCs and signed print books, here are currently some things available for Patrons of Snark:

Ch 1 – 2 of Solace, Demons of Oblivion #6 (all patrons)
short story Tales from Alchemy Red: Prey (all patrons)
Ch 1 of Devour, sequel to Soulless (all patrons)
Ch 1 – 5 of In Darkness Waits (unpublished apocalyptic UF) (all patrons)
Tales from Alchemy Red: Dial V for Vampire ($5+ patrons)
Odin’s Spear excerpt (all patrons)

There were also previews of Oblivion not seen by anyone else months in advance. As well, this is where you’ll find the Zara Lain serial Amends, which is set between Bloodlines and Hunter. I’m hopefully going to have another bundle of chapters up next month and the damn thing finished next year.

Also next year I’m looking at doing a Livi adventure as a postcard story–every month a postcard from Livi will arrive in your mailbox with another piece of the story. Still working out the story part, but I’m excited.

And no matter what you give, you’ll get kudos when Odin’s Spear is released–every patron gets my public thanks when the new book releases, sort of like the credits at the end of the movie with all the amazing folks who made it happen. Deadline is December 31 to pledge!

If you can’t participate, that’s cool–I still think you’re aces. But if you’d like to chip in as little as $2/month, here you go.

***Just a quick website note: I’ve having some issues with a plugin and I’m not sure what. Everything else should still be working at the moment but the online shop will be down for a bit.

Sep 30 2016

A Little Less Orderly

Last week I had a small signing on my birthday when my good friend Danni arrived for a visit. I have a handful of books left that I haven’t gotten around to adding to the site shop yet if anyone wants a signed book.

There are two complete sets of the Demons of Oblivion series (Bloodlines, Hunter, Lineage, Exhumed, and Oblivion), four copies of River, and five of my new release Solomon’s Seal. They’re $10 each plus shipping, which varies by location. US shipping is about $11 now for a single book, while I think Canada is $7-ish. If buying a few, you can pay for just the books first and then I’ll find out what the combined shipping is. I accept PayPal (international and Canada), Interac e-transfers (Canada), or cash/cheque from Canadians I know.

The book is doing…well, I didn’t have expectations–I mean, Oblivion has been out for nearly two months and I think it’s made under $100, and that’s a book with an actual fanbase of several hundred readers of previous books. Solomon’s Seal has a huge climb upward to both find readers and become financially viable as a series, so we’ll see. At least so far it’s been well-received, and that’s the best I can hope for with just over a week since release. Mel is doing a giveaway of the first book with her cover reveal of Odin’s Spear–a couple days left to enter. If you enjoyed Solomon’s Seal, please consider leaving a brief review on your retailer of choice–it helps with search rankings, as well as encourages others who visit the retail page to buy.

The same day as the signing/bday party, my twenty-nine-year-old niece lost her life to cancer after living with it again after the last several months.

I was incredibly grateful to have Danni with me during the visitations and funeral, lending support to me and my family. I mourn different things than the others—a life I only knew from afar, someone I dreamed of meeting almost my entire life—and I’m thankful for the presence of a friend who understood. I can’t recall knowing someone so loved by so many as Jacky, and the grief of her passing has been overwhelming for those who just buried a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend… There are absolutely no words for the tragedy of it.

Jacky, however, fought so hard to live. I literally cannot fathom wanting to live that badly, to endure all the horror life can throw at someone and still stand tall, draw up her fists, and keep going. I’ve always believed the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, and right now I think it’s true for all the people who miss her…but she wanted that life, cherished and fought for that life, no matter what it entailed. I cannot imagine; I hang on by a thread 99% of the time. And it begs the question, for me, whether or not that is something innate, or if the will to live comes from our environment, from being surrounded by people who love us, who make us want to stay here.

Like everything else, it’s probably a combination of both, but in no one has that ever been as strong as in Jacky.

I take no comfort in platitudes, I don’t have the benefit of faith or religion, but I remind myself that she like so many others is still present, just a little less orderly.

I’m still mentally and emotionally drained, missing both Danni and my family right now, but I have a stack of work to sort for next week and an Xbox One from my birthday to keep me busy today, and a pile of cats vying for my attention, and stories to tell…and also Luke Cage punching things. That’ll do for now.

Rise

Let’s Go Down the “Everything Is Awful” Checklist with Skyla

YOUR TURN.

Have you taken care of yourself today?

Guest Post: Writing Trapped in Your Storm

Safe in Your Fire, the first in The Village series, is currently 99c–pick it up and then keep reading! Deep in Your Shadows is next, followed by the new release Trapped in Your Storm.

Become a Patron of Snark!

A Little Less Orderly

MEET SKYLA DAWN

What I’m Working On:

YOUR TURN.

Have you taken care of yourself today?

Safe in Your Fire, the first in The Village series, is currently 99c–pick it up and then keep reading! Deep in Your Shadows is next, followed by the new release Trapped in Your Storm.

MEET SKYLA DAWN

Socials

What I’m Working On: