The same day Agent Cooper arrived, the new treadmill came.

I’m deeply resentful about how much better I feel with that regular walk every morning, but I guess that’s my age. I’m taking all the precautions I can to ensure it lasts longer than two years this time, but who knows.

This may or may not lead to more regular blogging, since I have to do something in the morning while walking and Bsky hasn’t picked up enough to occupy time like scrolling Twitter used to.

Among my physical health, I’m hoping it helps with my burnout right now.

Burnout is one of those injuries where I know I’ll make it worse if I keep pushing, but I don’t have a choice. I have commitments and bills. I can’t afford to pause Patreon, I can’t afford to take a month off of freelancing to recover. I’ve built quarterly breaks into my schedule, or at least theoretically, but I spent the last one either at the vet or in the hospital. Next is planned for September, but that’s pretty far from now when I’m staring down the barrel of everything I have to do.

Regardless, I’m pulling the trigger on Hell Fire, I think, and starting to serialize it the first Friday of every month starting Aug 1. Technically I’ll have November as a break, since the preview of AWKoD posts then, and then Dec, Jan, and Feb should complete it (give or take a month).

I’ve written books while burnt out before and they ended up okay–Odin’s Spear comes to mind, and despite some people not liking that one (always interesting to hear men complaining a story about a woman, by a woman, specifically about a woman feeling held to the whims of others and trapped, as not having sufficient enough “agency” for their male liking) I feel like it turned out well. It did require heavy revision, though.

Hell Fire will probably have to be heavily rewritten later, but I’ve never denied they’re zero drafts when they post. Witch Hunt was in pretty rough shape too. I’m just hoping this one isn’t as bad as I’m afraid it is (how’s that for a selling point–sign up for Patreon! lol).

To that end, I’ve got a sale up not only for Blood Ties (Elis #1) but also the Demons of Oblivion boxset over at Payhip. Hell Fire is about Elis and her budding misandrist girl gang heading into Oblivion, so it’s probably a good idea to read the OG series though not necessary.

Both are 50% off with the coupon code HELLFIRE

Good until September 1.

*checks watch* I’m at 4200 steps so far. I’ll get another thousand or so in and call it good until this afternoon.

Dr’s appointment next week, which I’ve been really nervous about–like anxiety through the roof, I had to take one of the few benzos I had left. If I have to switch to an extremely expensive medication, it’s going to create a huge headache with some other things (not going into detail). Talked it over with a friend, though, who made it seem that much more manageable. It’ll still be a pain in the ass, but at least I’ll have a place to start, so while I’m not exactly calm, I’m no longer chewing the inside of my mouth bloody.

Tuesday I needed bloodwork done ahead of the visit and I came out looking like this (technically this is yesterday, but yeah, it’s bad).

I didn’t realize until I was sitting in the chair that the girl was a trainee and I had no idea what she was doing. I have tricky veins but I used to get weekly blood draws at one point due to my medication, so I know where the good veins are. This was, hands down, the worst blood draw I’ve ever had, and consider for a moment they were so bad when I was a kid that I was traumatized and went almost twenty years without bloodwork again.

It hurts less than it did Tuesday (my entire forearm ached all day afterward) but yeah, she clearly blew the vein. And yes, I’m putting arnica cream on it. That’s still what it looks like.

So that’s what’s new here.

At least I have Agent Cooper Barbie.

Good morning from these two! pic.twitter.com/3l76qsWeaA

— @skyladawn.ca at bsky! (@skyladawn) July 21, 2023

…and there’s always music in the air.

My favourite show when I was a kid was Twin Peaks (as I’ve said a few times here). The first season aired when I was seven years old and for better or worse, I was allowed to watch it. Being seven years old, my favourite thing in the whole world was Barbies, and all I wanted was Twin Peaks Barbies. I used to dream of the whole main cast as Barbie dolls with a Great Northern Hotel, Black Lodge, etc playsets and everything.

Needless to say, that never came to pass, because children weren’t supposed to watch the adult murder show, so I don’t think a single person other than me was thinking there should be Twin Peaks Barbie dolls.

In recent years, there has been more merchandise, though, especially since the (please do not get me started on it, we’ll be here all day with me ranting) revival in 2017. I have my Dale and Audrey Funko Pop toys on my desk.

Then last year, the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life was revealed to be in progress: a 12-inch aka 1:6 scale aka BARBIE-SIZED Special Agent Dale Cooper action figure.

You’re damn right, I preordered. I really, really wanted the deluxe edition but I have very strong opinions about merchandising using the dead body of a molestation, incest, and murder victim as an accessory (COOPER NEVER SAW HER IN PLASTIC, IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE), and I wasn’t going to pay $150 more for the autopsy file replicas. In preparation for him, last year I made a Black Lodge display case (chevron vinyl for the floor, a fat quarter I used seam tape on for the curtain).

My friend also got me a custom Audrey doll, and she’s been waiting for Cooper ever since. (I made her a new pencil skirt the other night; she has a couple of outfits now I can alternate.)

I’ve been tracking Agent Cooper Barbie since he shipped on Monday, updating Twitter regularly with my Santa tracker-esque graphics:

And now…now, he is here. HE IS HERE.

Agent Cooper Barbie is here.

Thirty-three years after I dreamed he would one day exist.

HE IS AMAZING.

Now he’s all set up in my display case with Audrey.

“But Skyla, you objected to Laura’s dead body wrapped in plastic with Cooper standing over it in the Deluxe Edition because he never did that in the show, but Audrey was never in the Black Lodge either!” you would point out if you were completely insane like I am.

I objected to a lot more than that BUT…I have the answer for that, though.

My headcanon.

*cues “Freshly Squeezed“*

Cooper, lost in the Black Lodge, turns down a corridor: “Audrey? What are you doing here? I thought you were institutionalized after you were raped by me when I was possessed by Bob and/or by my doppelganger (honestly, it’s very confusing) and gave birth to a son who grew up to be an awful violent rapist himself, and gave up everything that made you Audrey Horne, and rather than rescue you, I abandoned you to your fate but for some reason gave another doppelganger version of me to Janey-E while acting as if you never existed.”

Audrey: “Of course not, Agent Cooper; that would be a huge betrayal of my character and yours. You’ve been wandering around the Black Lodge having nightmares for a few years but it’s okay, I put together a task force to rescue you.”

Cooper: “A task force? So Harry, Major Briggs, Hawk…?”

Audrey: “No, WonderCroft!”

WonderCroft: *waves*

Cooper: “I’ve definitely missed a lot. How’s Annie?”

Audrey: “She’s totally fine, and definitely not catatonic also in an institution like I was in your nightmare because that would be deeply misogynistic and gross to do to your love interests.”

Cooper: “Would it ever!”

Audrey: “Now Come on, I know the way out, and we’ve got cherry pie waiting. But I should warn you: as promised, I’m all grownup now and you better watch out.”

Cooper: “There is only one problem with you, Audrey: you’re perfect.”

*they have cherry pie with WonderCroft at the Double R, the end*

In conclusion: Agent Cooper Barbie is AMAZING and if I’m ever a millionaire, I’m going to commission most of the characters as dolls and have a Great Northern Hotel playset made and everything. So please buy many, many books lol.

Thank you to everyone who came with me on the Where Is Agent Cooper Barbie? journey with me on Twitter and indulging my joy.

With the appropriate music 🥰 pic.twitter.com/cBD1zSyCKE

— @skyladawn.ca at bsky! (@skyladawn) July 20, 2023

Obligatory Shawn:

So I managed to get an invite onto the lifeboat as the hellsite sinks.

Of course, the moment there was discourse on Bluesky, I (thankfully?) missed it and had to get the rundown on twitter. There are also no DMs, so once more of my people are there, we’ll probably still have to head back to twitter to chat.

There’s a contingent of people arguing for no DMs ever, and I get that, but also…some things should not be said with your outside voice. Texts are also an option, I know, but not everyone I DM with is someone I’ve exchanged numbers with, and if my social media app is already open, that’s what I’m going to use to DM.

Overall vibes so far are fine, but I think that depends on your demographic. So far it’s very white, and even left-wing/progressive/liberal white people are kinda racist, and if they set the tone going forward, the place won’t be a real home for most people despite it being very queer-friendly. So YMMV there.

I will never stop being angry with what happened with Twitter. If you’re not on the hellsite, it’s hard to describe, but the ability to connect and find your people, to follow news literally as it was happening to people, to get that dopamine hit coming together against the main character of the day, all in a text-based microblogging platform, is unparalleled. I don’t know if it can be replicated, although the billionaire jokes were flying at Bluesky uninhibited by a bunch of ads and random nazis.

Same username there as the hellsite; I’m skyladawn.bsky.social if you’re on the new blue app.

Outside of the Saturday night write-ins with patrons, I wouldn’t say my Discord is particularly active, but many moons ago I had a reader forum and it was a lot of fun, so I’ve opened up a text channel for all readers, whether they’re patrons or not with Discord’s forum option. There are tags for all the books, including a spoiler tag, as well as an off-topic tag. If you’d like to join, this link is good for a week. If you’re already on Patreon, you can integrate your Discord account with Patreon and get all the benefits.

Patreon is launching some changes that apparently will be focused on community building and selling digital products, so it’s more of a one-stop shop. I’m not sure what the fees will be, but that might be an alternative to Payhip for me, and make it easier for new patrons to find final ebooks and that (btw, last call for all patrons to grab Soul Spell; July 1st it pops up to $5+ patrons).

Today my two senior kitties went in for checkups–I got standard geriatric blood panels, even though overall they look good (it’ll at least be a baseline if something happens down the road). Both were completely unimpressed with the trip itself but quite good for the vet (they’re both extremely friendly). Rodney got upset with his vaccinations but he’s napping now and when he wakes up, he will have forgotten.

To that end, my ebooks are 25% off at Payhip with the coupon code VETVISIT.

I’ve got outpatient stuff myself at the end of the week. I’m pretty stressed–I have a lot of difficulties in medical settings, particularly having to give up control of my bodily autonomy which is the nature of anesthesia and unavoidable. Despite it not being mandated, the hospital still has a mask requirement, so at least there’s that. But I have no idea what the result of this will be–whether I’ll have a change in medications or what I’ll have to manage, and when I can’t prepare, I tend to spiral.

To this end, I’d planned to have this week off freelancing so I could clean and focus on other things, but I’ve been pretty scattered so I’m finishing two things today. I also finally, finally got some stuff for Patreon’s West Club done and scheduled–part one of a story went up last night and part two will be next month. It’s extremely spoilery, set in the series’ distant future, but it was the only idea that’s given me any excitement.

It…helped, I think. As I explained to patrons last night, I’ve been really struggling to get back into that world. I have to both reconnect myself to it (it’s necessary to severe yourself when you put a lot of yourself into something that will lead to people sending pretty nasty comments to you, and to have it stolen constantly) and shut that door again that has let other people into the room. There’s no shortcut for me with this process. It took me four years to write the final Demons of Oblivion book for that reason (that and the lack of income from those books to justify writing it).

Trying to be gentle with myself and not force it has helped, as is reacquainting myself with the soundtracks and feeling the characters and world again. And, honestly, just talking sometimes with folks who the books have meant a lot to helps.

I’ll get there. Anyway, I just want to get through the week, hopefully get good news on the cats’ bloodwork tomorrow and good stuff for me on Friday, and then July will be a little calmer.

My town hasn’t been in the danger zone with the Ontario wildfires–I’ve been checking the maps, the danger area ended about twenty kilometers from here–but Monday and Tuesday in particular a haze of smoke hung over the area, and the air quality has been pretty bad. I’ve had errands to run but I wear an N95 the moment I leave the apartment anyway for any reason (I only take it off when walking late a night, because I won’t run into people and don’t need to go into stores), so I was spared a lot, though I really questioned seeing people early in the week hacking away while outside unmasked and complaining.

Three years of a plague (that’s still ongoing, folks), and they see smoke outside and ash on their patios and don’t think “Huh, maybe I should dig out that mask?”

I realize there’s pressure now–I get looks periodically, and I know some people think I’m over the top–but honestly I’m more embarrassed to be seen wearing a scrunchie (look, it’s mulberry silk and better for my hair) than a mask.

I was familiar with the Corsi-Rosenthal box air filter back when the pandemic started but never felt the need to make one because I never had people in my apartment and live alone so wasn’t worried about clearing the air. But even with the windows closed and the filter in the a/c taking care of a lot, I worried about what the cats were breathing, so I built one.

Shawn was delighted when he thought I was building him a fort; less so when I made him move, put the fan on, and turned it on.

I’ve since added a shroud to the fan with duct tape and moved it to the middle of the living room to get as much of the apartment as possible. It’s loud, but it’s had the added bonus of cooling the place a lot as well.

I’ve got a small air filter in my room, and though I put light dimmer stickers around the buttons, Shawn has figured out how to turn the overall light on. Thankfully he left it off while I was sleeping, but one of these nights I’m going to wake suddenly as he turns it on and think aliens are here.

Otherwise, I did my usual worst-case scenario prep (what if fire suddenly spreads and I have to evacuate–where are the carriers and supplies–or what if the power goes down, etc) and while I’m not as far with that as I wanted to be by this time this year due to finances (no prepper closet yet), I’m still in okay shape in terms of food,, water, etc.

Today I’m unexpectedly headachey, but I think it’s from things other than the air, which is much improved. I’m trying knock that back and get everything done I’d intended to this week. Although in April I’d planned to get money saved up in case I need some time off this summer for health stuff, with the rising living expenses and cost of groceries, it just hasn’t been possible. Patreon, though, is scheduled through much of the summer, so at least I don’t have to worry about that.

Yes, the final eBook for Soul Spell is up now. Right now everyone can download it; July 1st it’ll be $5+ folks. It’s not sold elsewhere.

A week and a half since release, and some folks who’ve read The Killing Beach have really liked it, so that’s good to hear–esp as they’ve connected (perhaps unexpectedly) with Waverly. I have complicated feelings about the idea of “likability”, as I’ve posted about before, especially as it’s used as a catch-all not only for female characters but to dismiss books entirely without examining why we like what we like or why certain behaviours get a pass and others don’t. The bar for likability is much, much lower for male characters than it is for female, and after all this time (that post is almost ten years old) the overall literary climate hasn’t seemed to change at all.

I’ve got a brief thread on Twitter about why I think we need to reexamine what we consider “likable” and how what seem to be character flaws can actually be virtues in other circumstances, and how that’s being intentionally done with Waverly’s series.

Anyway, if you’ve read that one, remember A Wild Kind of Darkness releases November 7 and you can read the first chapter at Patreon on July 1st.

I’ve got tomato confit chilling in the fridge now as I found some fresh burrata at the store the other day, and I’m looking forward to that for dinner with the tomatoes, some crostini I’m going to make up, and more fresh veggies on the side ahead. The world is burning and as a creative person I’m exhausted with the daily fight to build a readership amidst the capitalistic hellscape in my field, but at least I’ve got a good meal to look forward to for now. Sometimes that, and fresh air, is enough to keep going.