…and there’s always music in the air.
My favourite show when I was a kid was Twin Peaks (as I’ve said a few times here). The first season aired when I was seven years old and for better or worse, I was allowed to watch it. Being seven years old, my favourite thing in the whole world was Barbies, and all I wanted was Twin Peaks Barbies. I used to dream of the whole main cast as Barbie dolls with a Great Northern Hotel, Black Lodge, etc playsets and everything.
Needless to say, that never came to pass, because children weren’t supposed to watch the adult murder show, so I don’t think a single person other than me was thinking there should be Twin Peaks Barbie dolls.
In recent years, there has been more merchandise, though, especially since the (please do not get me started on it, we’ll be here all day with me ranting) revival in 2017. I have my Dale and Audrey Funko Pop toys on my desk.
Then last year, the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life was revealed to be in progress: a 12-inch aka 1:6 scale aka BARBIE-SIZED Special Agent Dale Cooper action figure.
You’re damn right, I preordered. I really, really wanted the deluxe edition but I have very strong opinions about merchandising using the dead body of a molestation, incest, and murder victim as an accessory (COOPER NEVER SAW HER IN PLASTIC, IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE), and I wasn’t going to pay $150 more for the autopsy file replicas. In preparation for him, last year I made a Black Lodge display case (chevron vinyl for the floor, a fat quarter I used seam tape on for the curtain).
My friend also got me a custom Audrey doll, and she’s been waiting for Cooper ever since. (I made her a new pencil skirt the other night; she has a couple of outfits now I can alternate.)
I’ve been tracking Agent Cooper Barbie since he shipped on Monday, updating Twitter regularly with my Santa tracker-esque graphics:
And now…now, he is here. HE IS HERE.
Agent Cooper Barbie is here.
Thirty-three years after I dreamed he would one day exist.
HE IS AMAZING.
Now he’s all set up in my display case with Audrey.
“But Skyla, you objected to Laura’s dead body wrapped in plastic with Cooper standing over it in the Deluxe Edition because he never did that in the show, but Audrey was never in the Black Lodge either!” you would point out if you were completely insane like I am.
I objected to a lot more than that BUT…I have the answer for that, though.
My headcanon.
*cues “Freshly Squeezed“*
Cooper, lost in the Black Lodge, turns down a corridor: “Audrey? What are you doing here? I thought you were institutionalized after you were raped by me when I was possessed by Bob and/or by my doppelganger (honestly, it’s very confusing) and gave birth to a son who grew up to be an awful violent rapist himself, and gave up everything that made you Audrey Horne, and rather than rescue you, I abandoned you to your fate but for some reason gave another doppelganger version of me to Janey-E while acting as if you never existed.”
Audrey: “Of course not, Agent Cooper; that would be a huge betrayal of my character and yours. You’ve been wandering around the Black Lodge having nightmares for a few years but it’s okay, I put together a task force to rescue you.”
Cooper: “A task force? So Harry, Major Briggs, Hawk…?”
Audrey: “No, WonderCroft!”
WonderCroft: *waves*
Cooper: “I’ve definitely missed a lot. How’s Annie?”
Audrey: “She’s totally fine, and definitely not catatonic also in an institution like I was in your nightmare because that would be deeply misogynistic and gross to do to your love interests.”
Cooper: “Would it ever!”
Audrey: “Now Come on, I know the way out, and we’ve got cherry pie waiting. But I should warn you: as promised, I’m all grownup now and you better watch out.”
Cooper: “There is only one problem with you, Audrey: you’re perfect.”
*they have cherry pie with WonderCroft at the Double R, the end*
In conclusion: Agent Cooper Barbie is AMAZING and if I’m ever a millionaire, I’m going to commission most of the characters as dolls and have a Great Northern Hotel playset made and everything. So please buy many, many books lol.
Thank you to everyone who came with me on the Where Is Agent Cooper Barbie? journey with me on Twitter and indulging my joy.
Obligatory Shawn:
Writer of urban fantasy, thrillers/mysteries, and horror.
Your imagination brightens my day. Thank you so much.
I probably get some of it from growing up on Lynch TV/movies lol