For a short book it gave me a lot of headaches, but Hell Fire is finally knocked off my list. Mostly.

It’s at least 5K words short, between flesh I need to add and a lot of the penultimate chapter, which is bits of dialogue, scene direction, and story beats I need to hit. I’m an extremely visual writer–I see complete imagery in my head with vivid colour–but really struggled with this because it’s not typical action but Elis and others all doing magicky things, so as complicated as something like Livi v the Terracotta Army was to write, this is trickier.

I’ve also shortchanged various characters’ arcs, because Elis has some big things and of course that was my focus. Melinoë’s is there even if it needs more to it and others can be fleshed out a little more. It is all still a tremendous amount of work, and I have to look at what to weave into upcoming chapters before they post (I will probably be too late to add to September’s, though).

But…it’s done. And Elis solved her problems with misandry, so thematically I think the book works super well.

This is my sixty-second book (I think, I stopped keeping track after I hit fifty, and this is per the last time I actually wrote down every single title I could think of; it could be inaccurate) I’ve finished in twenty-two years. This does count pen name books, so basically anything on the shorter end of 45-50K to my big 150K books (Yampellec’s Idol still holds the record), trunk novels and private books, etc. It does not count novellas, novelettes, or shorts collections, otherwise we’d be here all goddamn day trying to remember and count them, and let’s be honest: a 15K-word novella is not the same as a 100K-word book. Shorter is just as hard for me to write if not harder, yes, but there are far fewer moving parts to keep track of.

The only thing that actually gets easier is that you’re more likely to remember that nothing gets easier. You know by this point that every story is different, every way they’re written is different, the amount of time each one takes is different. It becomes easier, then, to accept the parts of the process that are ugly (the doubt, the exhaustion, the fear) and just keep moving, because you’ve dealt with it so many times before and you know it’s temporary.

Kind of like suicide ideation.

…kidding! That was a joke!

I’m fine, I swear, it was, just so I could use that gif the third time in a row, because it’s the most me gif that ever was.

So Hell Fire has to sit now for a bit. I’m going to jump into A Wild Kind of Darkness copyedits today.

I’ve changed up my scheduled stuff, as I talked to my neighbour last night and she’s back to work this week. Given that very very tiny risk of anaphylaxis with a new medication, I’m opting to start my doses on Friday when she’s home. I’ll be on FaceTime with Dina ensuring I’m doing everything right and checking for problems, and I can text the neighbour and confirm my throat hasn’t swollen closed. If there are any problems, that way someone else can call an ambulance for me.

It’s overly precautious, probably? But also, this represents a very big thing for me: talking to people and having help lined up rather than doing it myself and possibly dying alone. Dina did go through my history last night to remind me, so for those playing along at home: yeah, in 2020 I fell and broke my foot and did not go to an ER (it’s fine now! just the occasional pain if I fold my foot a little while sitting cross-legged); yeah, in 2019 I had what was probably strep throat and was delirious with a fever of 104.3F but did not go to an ER (it’s fine! I managed!); a couple of times prior to that, yeah, I had my feet stepped on by a horse and it’s caused permanent nerve damage, which is why I’m super prone to falling and breaking my foot (or my tones, which happens more than is probably normal).

I learned at a very early age to self-soothe and manage things on my own–it’s why I ended up a writer, after all–and having to unlearn that has been extremely difficult. But I’m lucky friends have worked so hard to teach me that, so I’m trying to be responsible here.

(Again, I will endure anything for this little fucker, to ensure I don’t die prematurely and abandon him, including speak up and rely on others.)

I worked on the weekend, and I stayed up late last night to finish Hell Fire, so I’m still taking a few days off, I’m just going to do some laundry and dishes and various chores, then hopefully any side effects I have will resolve over the weekend. Still on the treadmill daily, clearly, because I’m posting here.

I’m going to be optimistic and hope that this preview will be accurate for next summer–the jacket copy is at the end of Hell Fire.

But writing it is gonna be next year’s Skyla’s problem.

The past week was pretty hellish. I’ve got stuff going on, which I won’t go into, other than jumping through hoops to get govt assistance for my new medication. Some of it is my fault, other stuff is systemic, but I basically didn’t sleep more than a couple of hours or eat more than once a day last week, and I’ve tapped out of social media because I just cannot.

I’ve got a phone call meeting today, and then one thing can be off my list–then it’s a matter of waiting for everything else to hit.

My thoughts have been in pretty dark places (another reason I’m off social media; I very much try not to whine when it’s bad, and also my “jokes” in this state tend to lead to very concerned messages from people). It’s less concerning to actually have them than you’d think, because I treat it like the engine light is on. I’m not at the stage of it being a worry, just that it’s a warning system and I need to pull over and have a look under the hood, but unless you live with those kinds of thoughts daily, it can be troublesome to folks.

So this is kind of proof of life. I’m alive, all is well-ish, but I’m very occupied right now.

If you’re ever in doubt, remember I’ll deal with anything for his sake, including jump through these fucking hoops to ensure I don’t die prematurely and orphan him.

Hell Fire is at 40K (that is not a typo)–I know, I’m surprised too. Honestly it would probably already be done (very, very roughly) because it only needs another 10-15K but…hellish week, yes, plus I’ve got a bunch of freelance stuff to do. Maybe by the end of the month, though, and then it should continue to post regularly at Patreon without delays.

Tomorrow patrons get a Gavin short story, set after Watcher in the Woods. Thankfully I’ve still got several things scheduled there so I can focus on personal stuff (and work).

On the weekend, between freakout sessions, I rewatched TLoU S1, as I’m about to lose the service I subscribed to briefly to watch it. Getting the fancy Blu-ray is definitely on the agenda if I ever have money again because the shitty connection (I think I need a new modem) and stopping/starting made it frustrating to rewatch. Any criticisms I have remain mild (the biggest of which is that they needed one more episode to let things breathe a little more) and I love it so very much.

An early birthday gift came from my friend Liz–the complete limited edition set artist Jake Kontou did from the TV series (he’s the artist of the Uncharted 4/Lost Legacy “Legacy of Thieves” art), and it is hung very, very badly because it was very awkward to do over my desk on my shitty plaster walls, but at least they’re up for now.

I still have plenty of Thoughts as to why the heartbreak of something like TLoU works very well for me when grimdark doesn’t, but I think it’s equally represented in the series as well and boils down to what is interesting is the humanity. The way the show is even shot, everyone seemed to understand that all the gore or scary monsters in the world don’t matter if the humanity isn’t there to react to it. Take the first clicker scene, and the closeups on Joel and Ellie’s faces–their fear translates better to the audience than just focusing on the clickers themselves. The implied violence of Joel killing the kid with the knife in Kansas City works better when the focus is on Ellie’s face, trying to feel nothing while she wipes away tears, than showing the deathblow itself.

And while the game series is plenty violent (I’m sorry, but comically so–I know I was supposed to feel bad, but the more realistic it got, the harder I laughed, esp when they shouted one another’s names in dismay), it has also always understood that the context of that violence is crucial, which is always humanity. ___’s death in Part 2 wouldn’t matter if we the players didn’t feel that love for the character.

So as dark as it gets, and as much as it rips my heart out every time, the humanity of it keeps that thread of hope, and that’s why it continues to work for me.

I could go on and on, including the reasons why in The Killing Beach I was less focused on graphic murder details than the effects of violence on survivors (you could guess at some reasons but others might surprise you) but I’m already at 5K steps for the morning, so I should close this now and get to answering email.

Anyway. Yeah. We’re still here. Endure and survive until next time.

I’ve got the start of Hell Fire loaded at Patreon for Friday, the first four chapters, and I’m getting the next bundle loaded for September (the first Friday of the month–whatever day that is, I have no idea).

I’m working on October’s chapters now.

That’s how I’m trying to look at it–I can’t get this book done in one big gulp, so I’ll take it one bite at a time. There won’t be chapters in November since I’m doing an extended preview of AWKoD then, so that gives me a bit more time to write it.

I still can’t believe it’s August. I have gotten nothing done this year, yet there is just so much going on (much of which I can’t talk about). Hell Fire might actually be the only new thing I write this year at the rate I’m going.

I’ve got tuberculosis screening to do on Friday (or hoping to get it all done; bloodwork was an appointment, but they’re doing xrays as a walk-in, which I find very dumb because who wants to spend the day sitting in a waiting room? what about people without flexible work schedules? I’m sure this is Ford’s fault), and once I’m clear for that, I’m being moved onto a fancy expensive drug to tackle my overactive immune system. Self-injecting, because lol you’ve seen my veins–I can’t do infusions, even if there was a spot nearby.

I’ll have an increased risk of respiratory infections so…good thing I already plan to mask forever, I guess.

A few months of that, along with who knows what kind of side effects (look, as long as they’re not psychiatric ones like prednisone has, I can deal with it), and hopefully I’ll be in the clear to resume normal life and just have regular checks for cancer and stuff. Trying to keep a loose schedule for tests, dr visits, side effects, etc is such a pain in the ass with anxiety. If I’m getting a delivery, I basically spin out all day until it’s at my door–health stuff is like that only worse. It isn’t as if I’m not working, but the whole time I’m cognizant of how my anxiety is making things ten times as difficult.

Don’t get sick, if you can help it. And please ensure your kids experience minimal trauma (or at least get them therapy) so they don’t end up with a lifetime of health issues because, yeah, ACEs and autoimmune disorders in adulthood go hand in hand, apparently.

Anyway. Elis!

Elis O’Connor has finally crossed to the Oblivion dimension in search of her missing brother, joined by his witch ex-girlfriend Callie Young and part-demon Melinoë Takata.

Even though the dimension is dying, she figures her brother should be easy to find given he’s all but a prince to the creatures there. Instead, she finds a world descended into chaos and war, its former antichrist ruler toppled, and his supporters hunted down and slaughtered.

And the instability of the dimension during its death throes means they don’t have a lot of time left to find Devdan and get home again.

Elis figures at least being in another dimension means some of her troubles—like the police on her trail for her serial-killing extracurricular activities—will be on pause, but unfortunately, she’s not without enemies in Oblivion either.

Because someone believes the sins of the mother should be visited upon the daughter—and as the only child of prolific assassin Zara Lain, there’s a lot Elis can be made to suffer for.

(I tried to keep that Zara thing secret to the general public to let the books stand on their own and only discovered as people read them, but Blood Ties tanked, so let’s try a different version of things!)

We’re at book 4 now. I did not think we’d get this far–Blood Ties was just supposed to be a fun novella for my friend’s birthday, rather than a short novel that started a series. It’s more of a serial than I’d anticipated, as well, and I’m glad I’ll get to finish it (probably by the sixth book) at Patreon.

A reminder that all patrons get access to Elis’s stories as they serialize, and when they’re all done, edited, proofed, and ready for release in paperback, you’ll get the final ebook as well–so for something like $11/year with the annual discount, there’s all that, an archive of previous stuff, all to support new books getting made. Even more stuff available at the higher reward tiers, too (including other final ebooks; otherwise, the basic books are in the archives).

I’ve got to go make some new words now, and get a chunk of October’s chapters done. I’ve done all my Patreon scheduling and made some ebooks–Livi Vol II is uploaded on Kobo and D2D now, the preorder is for September 19, and I’ve got it live on Payhip as well (I should also do Ko-fi–yay, more procrastination). Also, I’ve got a new sales page kept updated regularly, so you always know where the best deal is on books.