The past week was pretty hellish. I’ve got stuff going on, which I won’t go into, other than jumping through hoops to get govt assistance for my new medication. Some of it is my fault, other stuff is systemic, but I basically didn’t sleep more than a couple of hours or eat more than once a day last week, and I’ve tapped out of social media because I just cannot.

I’ve got a phone call meeting today, and then one thing can be off my list–then it’s a matter of waiting for everything else to hit.

My thoughts have been in pretty dark places (another reason I’m off social media; I very much try not to whine when it’s bad, and also my “jokes” in this state tend to lead to very concerned messages from people). It’s less concerning to actually have them than you’d think, because I treat it like the engine light is on. I’m not at the stage of it being a worry, just that it’s a warning system and I need to pull over and have a look under the hood, but unless you live with those kinds of thoughts daily, it can be troublesome to folks.

So this is kind of proof of life. I’m alive, all is well-ish, but I’m very occupied right now.

If you’re ever in doubt, remember I’ll deal with anything for his sake, including jump through these fucking hoops to ensure I don’t die prematurely and orphan him.

Hell Fire is at 40K (that is not a typo)–I know, I’m surprised too. Honestly it would probably already be done (very, very roughly) because it only needs another 10-15K but…hellish week, yes, plus I’ve got a bunch of freelance stuff to do. Maybe by the end of the month, though, and then it should continue to post regularly at Patreon without delays.

Tomorrow patrons get a Gavin short story, set after Watcher in the Woods. Thankfully I’ve still got several things scheduled there so I can focus on personal stuff (and work).

On the weekend, between freakout sessions, I rewatched TLoU S1, as I’m about to lose the service I subscribed to briefly to watch it. Getting the fancy Blu-ray is definitely on the agenda if I ever have money again because the shitty connection (I think I need a new modem) and stopping/starting made it frustrating to rewatch. Any criticisms I have remain mild (the biggest of which is that they needed one more episode to let things breathe a little more) and I love it so very much.

An early birthday gift came from my friend Liz–the complete limited edition set artist Jake Kontou did from the TV series (he’s the artist of the Uncharted 4/Lost Legacy “Legacy of Thieves” art), and it is hung very, very badly because it was very awkward to do over my desk on my shitty plaster walls, but at least they’re up for now.

I still have plenty of Thoughts as to why the heartbreak of something like TLoU works very well for me when grimdark doesn’t, but I think it’s equally represented in the series as well and boils down to what is interesting is the humanity. The way the show is even shot, everyone seemed to understand that all the gore or scary monsters in the world don’t matter if the humanity isn’t there to react to it. Take the first clicker scene, and the closeups on Joel and Ellie’s faces–their fear translates better to the audience than just focusing on the clickers themselves. The implied violence of Joel killing the kid with the knife in Kansas City works better when the focus is on Ellie’s face, trying to feel nothing while she wipes away tears, than showing the deathblow itself.

And while the game series is plenty violent (I’m sorry, but comically so–I know I was supposed to feel bad, but the more realistic it got, the harder I laughed, esp when they shouted one another’s names in dismay), it has also always understood that the context of that violence is crucial, which is always humanity. ___’s death in Part 2 wouldn’t matter if we the players didn’t feel that love for the character.

So as dark as it gets, and as much as it rips my heart out every time, the humanity of it keeps that thread of hope, and that’s why it continues to work for me.

I could go on and on, including the reasons why in The Killing Beach I was less focused on graphic murder details than the effects of violence on survivors (you could guess at some reasons but others might surprise you) but I’m already at 5K steps for the morning, so I should close this now and get to answering email.

Anyway. Yeah. We’re still here. Endure and survive until next time.

I’ve got the start of Hell Fire loaded at Patreon for Friday, the first four chapters, and I’m getting the next bundle loaded for September (the first Friday of the month–whatever day that is, I have no idea).

I’m working on October’s chapters now.

That’s how I’m trying to look at it–I can’t get this book done in one big gulp, so I’ll take it one bite at a time. There won’t be chapters in November since I’m doing an extended preview of AWKoD then, so that gives me a bit more time to write it.

I still can’t believe it’s August. I have gotten nothing done this year, yet there is just so much going on (much of which I can’t talk about). Hell Fire might actually be the only new thing I write this year at the rate I’m going.

I’ve got tuberculosis screening to do on Friday (or hoping to get it all done; bloodwork was an appointment, but they’re doing xrays as a walk-in, which I find very dumb because who wants to spend the day sitting in a waiting room? what about people without flexible work schedules? I’m sure this is Ford’s fault), and once I’m clear for that, I’m being moved onto a fancy expensive drug to tackle my overactive immune system. Self-injecting, because lol you’ve seen my veins–I can’t do infusions, even if there was a spot nearby.

I’ll have an increased risk of respiratory infections so…good thing I already plan to mask forever, I guess.

A few months of that, along with who knows what kind of side effects (look, as long as they’re not psychiatric ones like prednisone has, I can deal with it), and hopefully I’ll be in the clear to resume normal life and just have regular checks for cancer and stuff. Trying to keep a loose schedule for tests, dr visits, side effects, etc is such a pain in the ass with anxiety. If I’m getting a delivery, I basically spin out all day until it’s at my door–health stuff is like that only worse. It isn’t as if I’m not working, but the whole time I’m cognizant of how my anxiety is making things ten times as difficult.

Don’t get sick, if you can help it. And please ensure your kids experience minimal trauma (or at least get them therapy) so they don’t end up with a lifetime of health issues because, yeah, ACEs and autoimmune disorders in adulthood go hand in hand, apparently.

Anyway. Elis!

Elis O’Connor has finally crossed to the Oblivion dimension in search of her missing brother, joined by his witch ex-girlfriend Callie Young and part-demon Melinoë Takata.

Even though the dimension is dying, she figures her brother should be easy to find given he’s all but a prince to the creatures there. Instead, she finds a world descended into chaos and war, its former antichrist ruler toppled, and his supporters hunted down and slaughtered.

And the instability of the dimension during its death throes means they don’t have a lot of time left to find Devdan and get home again.

Elis figures at least being in another dimension means some of her troubles—like the police on her trail for her serial-killing extracurricular activities—will be on pause, but unfortunately, she’s not without enemies in Oblivion either.

Because someone believes the sins of the mother should be visited upon the daughter—and as the only child of prolific assassin Zara Lain, there’s a lot Elis can be made to suffer for.

(I tried to keep that Zara thing secret to the general public to let the books stand on their own and only discovered as people read them, but Blood Ties tanked, so let’s try a different version of things!)

We’re at book 4 now. I did not think we’d get this far–Blood Ties was just supposed to be a fun novella for my friend’s birthday, rather than a short novel that started a series. It’s more of a serial than I’d anticipated, as well, and I’m glad I’ll get to finish it (probably by the sixth book) at Patreon.

A reminder that all patrons get access to Elis’s stories as they serialize, and when they’re all done, edited, proofed, and ready for release in paperback, you’ll get the final ebook as well–so for something like $11/year with the annual discount, there’s all that, an archive of previous stuff, all to support new books getting made. Even more stuff available at the higher reward tiers, too (including other final ebooks; otherwise, the basic books are in the archives).

I’ve got to go make some new words now, and get a chunk of October’s chapters done. I’ve done all my Patreon scheduling and made some ebooks–Livi Vol II is uploaded on Kobo and D2D now, the preorder is for September 19, and I’ve got it live on Payhip as well (I should also do Ko-fi–yay, more procrastination). Also, I’ve got a new sales page kept updated regularly, so you always know where the best deal is on books.

The same day Agent Cooper arrived, the new treadmill came.

I’m deeply resentful about how much better I feel with that regular walk every morning, but I guess that’s my age. I’m taking all the precautions I can to ensure it lasts longer than two years this time, but who knows.

This may or may not lead to more regular blogging, since I have to do something in the morning while walking and Bsky hasn’t picked up enough to occupy time like scrolling Twitter used to.

Among my physical health, I’m hoping it helps with my burnout right now.

Burnout is one of those injuries where I know I’ll make it worse if I keep pushing, but I don’t have a choice. I have commitments and bills. I can’t afford to pause Patreon, I can’t afford to take a month off of freelancing to recover. I’ve built quarterly breaks into my schedule, or at least theoretically, but I spent the last one either at the vet or in the hospital. Next is planned for September, but that’s pretty far from now when I’m staring down the barrel of everything I have to do.

Regardless, I’m pulling the trigger on Hell Fire, I think, and starting to serialize it the first Friday of every month starting Aug 1. Technically I’ll have November as a break, since the preview of AWKoD posts then, and then Dec, Jan, and Feb should complete it (give or take a month).

I’ve written books while burnt out before and they ended up okay–Odin’s Spear comes to mind, and despite some people not liking that one (always interesting to hear men complaining a story about a woman, by a woman, specifically about a woman feeling held to the whims of others and trapped, as not having sufficient enough “agency” for their male liking) I feel like it turned out well. It did require heavy revision, though.

Hell Fire will probably have to be heavily rewritten later, but I’ve never denied they’re zero drafts when they post. Witch Hunt was in pretty rough shape too. I’m just hoping this one isn’t as bad as I’m afraid it is (how’s that for a selling point–sign up for Patreon! lol).

To that end, I’ve got a sale up not only for Blood Ties (Elis #1) but also the Demons of Oblivion boxset over at Payhip. Hell Fire is about Elis and her budding misandrist girl gang heading into Oblivion, so it’s probably a good idea to read the OG series though not necessary.

Both are 50% off with the coupon code HELLFIRE

Good until September 1.

*checks watch* I’m at 4200 steps so far. I’ll get another thousand or so in and call it good until this afternoon.

Dr’s appointment next week, which I’ve been really nervous about–like anxiety through the roof, I had to take one of the few benzos I had left. If I have to switch to an extremely expensive medication, it’s going to create a huge headache with some other things (not going into detail). Talked it over with a friend, though, who made it seem that much more manageable. It’ll still be a pain in the ass, but at least I’ll have a place to start, so while I’m not exactly calm, I’m no longer chewing the inside of my mouth bloody.

Tuesday I needed bloodwork done ahead of the visit and I came out looking like this (technically this is yesterday, but yeah, it’s bad).

I didn’t realize until I was sitting in the chair that the girl was a trainee and I had no idea what she was doing. I have tricky veins but I used to get weekly blood draws at one point due to my medication, so I know where the good veins are. This was, hands down, the worst blood draw I’ve ever had, and consider for a moment they were so bad when I was a kid that I was traumatized and went almost twenty years without bloodwork again.

It hurts less than it did Tuesday (my entire forearm ached all day afterward) but yeah, she clearly blew the vein. And yes, I’m putting arnica cream on it. That’s still what it looks like.

So that’s what’s new here.

At least I have Agent Cooper Barbie.

Good morning from these two! pic.twitter.com/3l76qsWeaA

— @skyladawn.ca at bsky! (@skyladawn) July 21, 2023