Deeply On Brand, On All Counts

Official word of the year should be “lolsob”

I have been doing the things I promised with the birthday money. I got a new laptop (ouch), I had the junk guys come, I got a new carpet cleaner (and a small steam cleaner), I did some vet trips, I got a new bed (ouch) and even a shelf for the living room as well as some new bath towels which I’ve not bought in a decade.

Every new purchase was terrifying because I am hyperaware of how finite a chunk of gifted, tax-free money is (I held on for years waiting for some that was promised me due to certain circumstances, but long ago gave up on it ever coming and just limped along with a laptop held together with duct tape among other issues), but the whole point was to deal with this big expenses I could not save up for. After some cajoling, I even got an new iPad and pencil, which I use for work a lot and have been on a hand-me-down for some years now. And I thought I’d still have some leftover for emergencies, and for what is likely the end of the line with my chronically ill former foster Libby, which is a decision likely coming next month.

Putting together furniture has been a huge chore I do in stages. I’m on the very last stage, which involves once again moving everything out of the room and putting together the bed frame itself. The drawers and headboard are done, so I just need a few hours for that part, and it was on the docket for last Friday/the weekend.

Of course Thursday night I ended up at the emergency vet with Shawn.

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The trouble was that I couldn’t even describe what was happening, which had resolved by the time we were there forty-five minutes later. “His mouth is open, like he can’t close his jaw? That doesn’t make sense but he wasn’t panting/breathing in distress, just growling, and I thought maybe there was a foreign object lodged in there? Except it’s fine now.” With him stressed in the waiting room, having fought the tech to even take his vitals, and with all signs pointing to me being a crazy person, I left without talking to the vet in favour of watching him at home since we were the bottom of the triage list.

And he was fine! Until about twenty-eight hours later, when he did it again.

Thankfully this time I had my platonic murder wife on FaceTime and grabbed my camera to record it. And for thirty minutes, we sat there with Shawn while he could not close his mouth. He went for a vet visit, and everyone in turn was baffled because no one has seen this before and this is not a thing that is supposed to happen with cats–and yet! After looking, there are a handful of cases out there. The vet has all but confirmed what Dina diagnosed (having seen it before in humans) and I said the first time I saw it: Shawn’s jaw locked open. “Open-mouth jaw locking” or OMJL.

Just yawning can apparently do it in this tiny number of cats who get this.

The best official diagnosis is via a CT but that’s quite a trip to do here and I don’t drive. Next step is to sedate him and get some films of the vet moving his jaw around to confirm, and maybe consult about it. If it keeps happening, surgery is an option, which is absolutely not something I want but my cat’s mouth locks open if he yawns so that is not really something I want him to go through long-term either.

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Of course it’s Shawn, of course it’s some obscure thing cats never get, of course it’s 2024–the year in which the bed collapsed, the toaster oven started setting things on fire, the laptop died, the myriad of other emergencies and such occurred.

He is just the sweetest, gentlest cat who has had such a rough time already since the moment he was born, I hate that things keep happening to him.

And speaking of cats who don’t deserve this, meanwhile Libby continues to be a nightmare to deal with, and we’re rapidly going over the line of trying to treat her hurting rather than helping her, so it’s just exhausting all options these last few weeks. By January, I will be surprised if I even have a dime left. (A couple of people who just heard about the birthday GFM kicked in the past few days and honestly that just covered what I spent yesterday on Libby’s meds and the exam, so that’s appreciated; we’ll be fine, I’ve got income coming in, it’s just when all is said and done, I will no longer have an emergency cushion at this rate, and I’m fighting the fact that I feel so selfish for buying myself a bed and potentially leaving the cats to suffer if there’s an emergency in the future.)

My time off to focus on writing has been an absolute disaster. I was so wound up over stress with particular clients and twelve-hour freelance days this summer and fall that continued right up until October 31 that I could not switch gears and focus on myself, and now it’s nonstop vet visits and emergencies. Demon Fall is six months behind, I haven’t started on the next round of Waverly 4 revisions so I am not going to get it for edits when planned and I am going to have to bump the release by a few weeks at least because it’s such a big book, I have a hole in my fall 2025 release schedule, and I have a full freelance schedule booked so far in advance that I immediately have to hit the ground running with no breathing room so I’ll get even more behind.

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I am angry and tired and resentful and frustrated and I feel like I’m failing everyone at all times with everything, whether it’s readers or Libby or myself.

And my hallway is still full of boxes, furniture and laundry are stacked everywhere, and there are six giant drawers in the middle of my living room so it’s a constant obstacle course until the bed is put together and everything is put away.

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We will muddle through, this cannot all be terrible forever, but goddamn am I ever tired. I’m unplugging for a few days (other than to correspond with the vet) just to try to settle my brain and focus on some tasks here, and hopefully by next week I’ll be able to tackle finally putting together the bed again. But it does feel like 2024 has struck the killing blow (metaphorically; I am not suicidal like the in spring, just worn down) and knowing 2025 will start with losing Libby does not bode well for next year either. I still just want to get to January without anything else happening.

I probably just jinxed it lolsob