• Demons of Oblivion
  • River Wolfe
  • Livi Talbot
    • Solomon’s Seal
    • Odin’s Spear
    • Ashford’s Ghost
    • Emperor’s Tomb
    • Shiva’s Bow
    • Yampellec’s Idol
    • Charon’s Gold
  • Elis O’Connor
    • Blood Ties
    • Witch Hunt
    • Soul Spell
    • Hell Fire
    • Demon Fall
    • Season of the Bitch
  • Waverly Jones Mysteries
    • The Killing Beach
    • A Wild Kind of Darkness
    • Alone at Night
    • Silent All These Years
    • A Dark and Distant Home
    • Sins of the Mother
  • Standalone
    • The Silent Places
    • Dweller on the Threshold
    • Watcher of the Woods
    • The Taiga Ridge Murders
  • Boxsets
    • Hauntings: Two Tales of the Paranormal
  • Audio
  • Large Print

Skyla Dawn Cameron

My characters kill people so I don't have to.

  • Books
    • Demons of Oblivion
    • River Wolfe
    • Livi Talbot
    • Elis O’Connor
    • Waverly Jones
    • Standalone Books
    • Boxsets & Bundles
    • Audiobooks
    • Large Print Editions
    • Content Warnings
  • Skyla
    • Newsletter
    • FAQs
    • Skyla’s Home for Wayward Strays
      • Sponsor a Cat
  • Blog
    • Soundtrack Sunday Overview
    • Comment Policy
    • Evil Writer Blog Posts
    • Evil Writer Blog Posts – Old Site
  • Patronage
  • Shop
    • Deals/Sales
  • Upcoming
  • Hire Skyla
You are here: Home / Archives for Skyla Dawn Cameron

February 6, 2015 By Skyla Dawn Cameron Leave a Comment

Thank You

So yeah, this happened, and everything is terrible.

Fuck Everything Tara

It’s been a really rough week/month/three months/what have you; without going into a Whine and listing my many panic-inducing woes from the past while, suffice to say the biggest problem is that on top of everything I’m tapering down one of my medications and, chemically, my body cannot handle stress. This sheer fact seemed to be a beacon to the Gods of Stress to throw All The Stressful Things at me at once, and as a result, I’ve been crying like a fucking dork off and on all week.

Under all that is a thread that’s pretty current in my life: people disappoint you.

Bridesmaids You Cannot Trust AnyoneOne of my…I’d hesitate to say earliest memories, but certainly among the strongest, was the sense of disappointment. Promises that weren’t kept. Hope that sprang up only to be doused again. My heart broken over and over and over again until every time I felt that sense of hope, doubt would be on its heels, reminding me You Cannot Trust People and They Will Always Disappoint You.

That still happens to me a lot even when I’m cautious. Mostly because I can’t quite bring myself to become a full cynic. There I am, again, hoping things will change, and generally they don’t.

A couple of years ago, a good friend (I thought) really hurt me, and since I still rarely trust people, it was quite a blow. Another good friend–my Aussie sister-from-another-mister, so Actual Good Friend–said simply, “You file that person under Douches Not To Trust and move on, staying open rather than closing yourself off.”

It’s good advice.

Anyway. To the point.

It’s easy to focus on everything that disappoints you. The people who pirate your motherfucking books like an entitled twit after you’ve asked them not to. The ones who break promises, who say things will change but don’t deliver. The lack of habanero lime tortilla chips at the grocery store.**

But a whole lot of y’all left kind comments on the last post. A handful bought one or more of the books*. Disappointment and outrage was shared. No one yelled at me (always a bonus). Some people always pull through with support and compassion. Although Trolls I Have To Ban are likely to show up to leave comments eventually, for now it’s just been understanding and that eases the sting of recent events a little. And a reminder that some people don’t totally fucking suck.

 

Buffy Xander Hug

Thanks, you guys. You make a tremendous difference in my life.

 

 

 

* Which was not my intent in talking about piracy or low sales or anything–I don’t do guilt-sales–but it’s appreciated and I WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY, THANK YOU, ENJOY YOUR BOOKS.

** Seriously, NO FRILLS, GET WITH THE PROGRAM AND BRING BACK MY MOTHERFUCKING CHIPS.

Filed Under: blog

February 3, 2015 By Skyla Dawn Cameron 13 Comments

Dearth of Empathy and Death of Zara Lain

First, the ground rules:

  1. I have been published for nine years and pirated for eight of them. Whatever pro-piracy, “chillax” argument you are going to make, I have heard it. And I don’t care. Your comments on this subject will not be approved.
  2. Speaking of, I have a very detailed comment policy. In a nutshell, when you visit my blog and step into my virtual home, you are entitled to my opinion; I am not entitled to yours.
  3. Since the point of this post is compassion and empathy, or lack thereof, I do recommend you step back and consider that before reacting in a way that proves my point.
  4. You can believe that piracy is great and right and STILL respect others’ wishes/opinions in this matter. I think vodka is great. I do not force others to partake of it.

Now…

*

Zara Lain is dead.

I’ve had very simple policies regarding books in the Demons of Oblivion series and its continuation.

The first is that future books depend on sales. As it was initially conceived as a five-book series (and only when I realized how Oblivion ended did I know there should be more books) with a particular arc that came to a conclusion with the fifth book, I knew I could end it at five and hopefully readers would be satisfied, but that there was room for more. And even after I said last year that I needed to let go of the possibility of book six and beyond since sales were so poor (despite being 3x what they were with a publisher) and it was stressing me out, I have always left the door open for more (for confirmation, check the description of the Patreon milestone “Oblivion and Beyond”).

Bloodlines-AReThe second policy was that if Exhumed ended up pirated, that was it. I would never, ever publish another Zara Lain book. Ever.

Searching for illegal copies of my books leads you to my site first where I make this abundantly clear. This has led to some people, over the past year, legitimately buying the books (including Bloodlines, which has been out there for pirating for a year and a half now). I have also reached out to/confronted any attempted pirate I found and asked them not to steal from me. It’s an exhaustive process but, generally, appealing to someone’s humanity as a fellow human is more effective than ranting and threatening legal action.

For some time these policies, combined with the sheer obscurity of me as a writer, has worked to keep most of my books from being illegally distributed.

This is no longer the case.

Therefore, Zara Lain is dead.

*

When a google alert on Sunday popped up to tell me Exhumed was being requested at a forum devoted to illegally distributing books, my heart sank but I headed over to try my best. I reached out to the pirate–who I have no doubt hit my website first, as they always do–and very nicely, very calmly asked her (I’m assuming “her” as, sadly, I find a great number of pirates are, because women seem to enjoy fucking over other women) to please not do this.

Please.

This book, I said, has sold little in the past month. I am not some big time author, I am really struggling with basic things like affording food and vet care for my ailing cat. Readers and writers have a symbiotic relationship; I cannot do my part–producing more books to be read–if readers do not do theirs by obtaining books legally. I suggested that perhaps she could visit her local library and request that they order a copy if she cannot afford the book.

This was one instance where appealing to someone’s humanity didn’t work.

“jdscott666” (aka “jd25” aka “bookho”) is responsible for the death of any potential the series had left. Unequivocally.

*

“But Skyla, YOU are the one choosing not to write them! You can’t punish everyone for one person’s actions!”

I get it. I do. But here’s the thing: I am the one who has to write these books.

I am the one who has to make financial sacrifices to write something that doesn’t earn a living wage. I am the one who has to face the word processor plagued by the knowledge that this book I’m pouring myself into is going to be illegally distributed more than bought; that if I bear my soul in this thing, this piece of art that has emotional resonance with people, I will eventually have my rights violated and consent disregarded.

I can tolerate low sales. I can tolerate piracy. I cannot tolerate both at the same time.

tumblr_mrjz0wndLq1qzswero2_250

This does affect legit readers. I feel terrible about that, I really do.

But however much you might love the characters and books, remember that they come from my brain. I live and breathe these fictional people. I’ve invested over a decade of my life into this series. These stories have parts of me in them.

I am also, whatever my faults, a woman of my word. When I say “If you do this thing, there will be a consequence”, I’m not making an idle threat. It’s been almost six years since Wolfe came out. Has there been another River novel? No. There hasn’t even been a short story(1). Like I said, piracy guaranteed I would never, ever go back and write another of those books. I said that if you pirate Exhumed, you will kill this series too.

I don’t bluff.

*

Exhumed-KindleExhumed…just about killed me to write.

I cried through most of it. It absolutely terrified me to go to the places I did with the book. I put my blood and tears into everything I write–those who know me see glimpses there in everything–but never as openly as I did with that book. That is my soul bared on the page. Out of the thirty+ books I’ve written, there are maybe half a dozen I can say that about.

It didn’t sell well. It was rarely reviewed and barely read. People spoiled the twists for readers within the first week of release. It didn’t make any favourite book/top reads lists.

But the handful of die-hard fans bought it, read it, and loved it. And it was a book I was tremendously proud of.

And now I cannot even describe for you what it feels like to have that book illegally distributed. The reader/writer agreement is, “Okay, here is a piece of my soul; you can have it and do with it what you will–hate it, tear it up, whatever–if you’ve paid for the thing.” Then NOT paying for the thing? Having my rights violated, my consent stomped all over? When I am having to have conversations with myself about whether or not it’s time to break down and go to the motherfucking food bank?

It is heartbreaking. And it hurts too much to even contemplate putting myself in this position again with these books.

*

A lot of people, when dealing with pirates, say, “It’s a shitty thing to do, but I don’t think you’re a bad person for stealing.”

Sometimes, I’d agree. I don’t think illegally distributing books in itself makes you a terrible person; I think intent matters a lot and I ultimately believe in a human being’s potential to do better.

But I do think that when the creator of something reaches out to you and says, “Please don’t do this; this harms me and those I care for, and has a tangible, negative impact on my life,” and you do it anyway…well, yes.

Yes, you are a TERRIBLE FUCKING PERSON.

You are lacking in empathy, either because you are an actual sociopath or because you have deluded yourself into believing your entitlement to cheat the system and read without abiding by the rules in place that ensure I can make a living outweighs my rights as the person who CREATED THE BOOK IN THE FIRST PLACE. You knowingly, deliberately, maliciously set out to hurt another person, and for what? A couple of hours of entertainment? This book would not exist without me, and to thank me for the contribution, you completely fuck me over?

omudbxmtfdkro76rwikq

If you do this, you are a shitty person. Period. Full stop. No justification or excuses.

*

This dearth of empathy, quite frankly, scares the hell out of me.

Like the more and more we’re connected, the more we see avatars instead of people; the greater our access to content creators, the less human we see them as. If someone came to me and said, look, this thing you are doing that violates my rights is having a real negative impact on my life, so please do not do it? Fuck, I’d feel like shit. I’d try to find a way to make it right. I sure as hell wouldn’t double down.

I regularly write from the POV of murderers and monsters, and yet this is still baffling to me, how someone can feel so entitled to a book, they will disregard the creator’s wishes–how they can refuse to see that creator as human. How they justify their mentality of “want, take, have” and believe it trumps my right to things like groceries and veterinary care for my pets.

This lack of empathy is nothing to be proud of; in fact, I think we–as a society–should be shaming the fuck out of people who show so little regard for others. If we could take the amount of energy we put into shaming people for stupid shit like obesity or promiscuity and put it toward having no tolerance for actual character flaws like lacking empathy and willfully harming others, maybe humans wouldn’t be such a shitty species.

*

This bears linking to again.

The bottom line is that artists’ rights are workers’ rights. You are not being progressive or radical by denying artists the right to control their own work. You are not helping the underprivileged by making it impossible for anyone who isn’t already rich and privileged to take up artistic careers. Your pirated Taylor Swift song isn’t feeding the poor. If you want to fight the power, maybe try hacking JP Morgan instead of pirating a vampire romance for your Kindle.

As a writer, when you spend a lot of time sending takedown notices and dealing with this aspect of the business, you get pretty familiar with piracy sites. You see the same things over and over.

You see dozens of people thanking and giving praise to “all the hard work” someone put into a torrent of three hundred books.

tumblr_inline_mi0sd1vMSv1qz4rgp

These people are able to disconnect the book from the author so much that it doesn’t even occur to them to THANK THEM FOR WRITING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Not that we can live on praise and thanks alone, of course, but that the writer is left entirely out of the equation is very telling.

I fully support ebook (and movie) piracy in specific instances, like smuggling content across the border to North Korea. That is hugely important work making a difference within that country. But we are not talking about distributing work across tightly controlled borders to help oppressed people see what’s happening elsewhere in the world.

We are talking about people who claim to love books and yet actively work to ensure the people who produce them can’t make any more.

tumblr_mbd7zxs26q1rs3j3f

And this is absolutely baffling to me, in part because for a long time I have been very poor and therefore very aware of how I spend my money. I shop local as much as possible, even if it means spending a bit more money. I buy books by my friends even if they’d give me a free copy. If I like a thing, I try to ensure my pennies to toward supporting it, and even if I DON’T like a thing, other than boycotting, I wouldn’t go out of my way to cause someone harm.

*

“Nothing you say here, Skyla, will make a difference.”

That? That does not make me feel better, you realize.

I am fully aware that I am shouting into the void. That talking about piracy makes me a target for more of it (because, again, their entitlement blinds them to the fact that I am an actual person and that it is a shitty thing to work to harm another human being and her family for no reason). That it would be much easier if I could just flip a switch and stop caring about my work being stolen.

Let me tell you, you do not want to see what kind of person I will be if I stop caring about all these un-winnable fights.

I am told the same thing every time I take in a stray dog off the street, feed it, and try to find its home, or take in a cat when dear god I do not need another but it’s starving and freezing outside. “Just care a little less.” But as soon as we shut off that little part of us that empathizes and connects with others, the closer we get to being the kind of person who willfully disregards the rights and wishes of others.

And I don’t ever want to be that kind of person.

tumblr_me4id3inVk1rkw0kho1_250 tumblr_me4id3inVk1rkw0kho2_250

So I care. And I will speak up. Loudly. Even when it doesn’t appear to make a difference. Because the alternative is sitting back and pretending it’s okay, and I am not going to do that. I abhor dishonesty of any kind too much.

Please do not tell me to stop caring when someone violates my rights. Please do not tell me to stop caring when someone’s actions make it that much harder to keep the heat on. Please do not tell me to stop caring because “it’s never going away.”

How about instead, you start trying to care a little more?

*

“Seriously, Skyla, what the hell does this mean now?”

  • Nothing has changed for Oblivion.  Either I get to it when I get to it or, miracle of miracles, somehow Patreon reaches my sustainability goal first and then I will buckle down and prioritize it.
  • This has not changed the potential resurrection of Amends on Patreon. If that milestone is reached, Zara will rise again there, for that book only. I am undecided about whether or not, when it’s complete, I’ll release it for sale; it might remain exclusive to patrons.
  • Dial V for Vampire remains exclusive to my website shop and this is the only place a post-Oblivion world will be glimpsed.
  • Solace, Zara’s next full-length book in the series, will be written eventually because it’s a story I want to tell. And then it will sit on my harddrive, except for when it goes to visit close friends to be read. Absolutely no one will stop me from writing, because writing is breathing for me. But publishing? I will not publish a book only to have it stolen more than bought.

I am not rage-quitting writing or closing up shop. I have more stories to tell. More books will release at some point. I’ve been through this before and the wheel keeps turning.

Maybe the next books will sell better.

But, like River Wolfe, Zara Lain is dead, and will remain so.

*

tl;dr – piracy killed another series, wheee!

 

 

(1) Rebellion is still on my plate here, but I am so fucking depressed right now (and still dealing with med dosage changes fucking up my moods), I’d rather tackle my pile of paying work for a while. Hopefully it’ll still be done by the end of the month.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: Demons of Oblivion, exhumed, news, piracy, rant, torrent, writers and readers, zara lain

February 1, 2015 By Skyla Dawn Cameron 2 Comments

Soundtrack Sunday – BLOODLINES Edition

Bloodlines-KindleSo we’re going back like ten years for Bloodlines; I don’t even have access to the original computer I wrote it on, let alone the full playlist, but a couple of songs stuck in my head, and a handful of new ones were there when I rewrote it in 2011.

Here are some Zara-related tunes for you! (There’ll be lots more when I get around to posting Exhumed‘s playlist.)

 

Aimee Allen – “Revolution” 
Zara Lain appeared in my head in 2004, talking in full surround sound and completely fully formed, and I wrote her very first scene while this was playing.

Aimee Allen – “Too Fucked Up for Love”
I…can’t find a link to this one for you to listen to. 🙁 Title should say it all, though.
I’m afraid you’re holding on to something that’s too far gone

Garbage – “Wicked Ways”  
Another very Zara song. Let’s face it, she’ll never actually mend her wicked ways.
I’ve done things I never thought I’d do//Sure it helps to lose myself in you

Garbage – “Temptation Waits”
It’s a tad on the nose, but still, Zara.

Florence + The Machine – “Blinding”
I do think of this as Zara/Ana’s overall theme—it captures her past, her present, her insecurities and her strength.  (I can’t even pick specific lyrics—the whole thing sums up the awakening as Vampire!Ana to her present self straight through to the novella Damaged.)

Evanescence – “Going Under“
Don’t want your hand this time – I’ll save myself//Maybe I’ll wake up for once 

Evanescence – “Bring Me To Life“
How can you see into my eyes like open doors?//Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb//Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold//Until you find it there and lead it back home

E.S. Posthumus – “Pompeii”  
I listen to a lot of “trailer” type music when I write—Immediate Music/Globus, E.S. Posthumus, Two Steps from Hell, etc—and this is the one song I associate the most with Zara and Bloodlines.

Immediate Music – “An Epic Age“
This would also be in my Bloodlines trailer, if it were a film.

Milla – “Rocket Collecting”
and I’ve turned into this//smiling, snarling monster

Shivaree – “Goodnight Moon“
Well goodnight moon//I want the sun//If it’s not here soon//I might be done

Puscifer – “Rev 22:20”
Look, she’s a highly sexualized character–Zara needs a highly sexualized song on her playlist.
Prayin’ to stay in her arms just until I can die a little longer//Saviors and saints, devils and heathens alike//She’ll eat you alive

Fioana Apple – “Criminal“
I’ve been a bad bad girl//I’ve been careless//With a delicate man//And it’s a sad sad world//When a girl will break a boy//Just because she can

Atreyu – “Her Portrait in Black“
Can you feel her//Running through your veins?//She will always live forever

Sarah McLachlan – “Stupid” 
If I had to pick a song for Zara and Nate…I actually listened to this one a lot when I originally wrote their scenes in 2004. It’s all Zara, a determined bachelorette, realizing she’s way over her head and this is likely a mistake
love has made me a fool//it set me on fire and watched as I floundered

Katie Melua – “No Fear of Heights” 
Now that I’m older and have seen Zara/Nate’s relationship mature, this is the theme I’d lean toward in this book (in fact, I have flashback scenes from their night in the cabin in Amends, and wrote them to this one). I wouldn’t say either of them particularly come across as scared of anything, but the sense of doing something you know could ultimately lead to your downfall—in this case love—fits them well.
I was scared of what I couldn’t keep//But when you give me love//I have no fear of heights//No fear of the deep blue sea//Although it could drown me

 

Bonus: “Thrall” songs

Apocalyptica – “Bittersweet” 
I wrote“Thrall” (available with Bloodlines and 9 Crimes) with this on repeat. Nate’s song.
I won’t give up//I’m possessed by her//I’m bearing a cross//She’s turned into my curse

Slipknot – “Vermillion Pt. 2“
Nate’s other song! Looking for Zara, when Heaven accuses him of being her thrall.
She is everything to me//The unrequited dream//A song that no one sings//The unattainable, she’s a myth that I have to believe in//All I need to make it real is one more reason

 

Demons of Oblivion fans–if you’re on Facebook, you can join the group Alchemy Red to talk with other readers. For the next month and a bit, Soundtrack Sundays will be devoted to these books, and at the end, I’ll do a special edition with fan-submitted soundtrack songs. If you have any tunes you associate with the series, head on over there and let us know!

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: bloodlines, Demons of Oblivion, soundtrack sunday, zara lain

January 28, 2015 By Skyla Dawn Cameron 5 Comments

When Mental Health Stigma Makes You Physically Sick

It’s Bell Let’s Talk Day.

So let’s talk.

As blog/Twitter followers are aware, I got seriously sick last year (and I’m in remission, but still recovering). Sicker, physically, than I have ever been in my life–the last time I was so ill I had to see a doctor was when I had pneumonia in middle school.

This is a (very) lengthy, (very) personal post about what exactly happened to me that summer.

*

It started around the middle of May. By July I’d lost around twenty pounds because food made me ill and my persistent cough had gotten so bad I was gagging and throwing up from it. I had to basically be forced and threatened to call the doctor’s office, but understand, again, I have never been sick with anything I couldn’t fight off. I kept thinking it would go away.

I had only met my doctor once a year earlier for a meet and greet plus I wanted some basic bloodwork. Getting in to see one’s doctor can be a bit of a feat here, so I was referred to a nurse practitioner (NP).

I was terrified.

gsgmr5vjpzbi0dv5qnxkTerrified of doctors/hospitals/illness/etc. I had a bad experience with mine as a kid prescribing me a medication she knew I was allergic to. I had bad experiences every time I needed bloodwork. My history with medical professionals involved no one listening to me. Plus I am naturally distrustful of anyone in any kind of authority position. I also strongly dislike using the phone, so even calling for an appointment stressed me out.

So when I say “terrified”, understand I mean paralyzing anxiety.

Prior to the appointment, I didn’t sleep. At all. It was in the afternoon, and since food was making me sick, I also didn’t eat.

So I showed up and had to change into a gown so the NP could listen to my lungs, which just adds a whole other layer of vulnerability to the experience on top of being sleep-deprived, starving, and terrified. We talked about some of my symptoms, what was going on at the time I got sick, and she said I probably had a virus I’d fought off but picked up cough-variant asthma, and she gave me a combo inhaler with instructions to come back in a week for a follow-up.

She also noted the psych referral request in my file and asked about it. I explained that I was undiagosed bipolar and before my doctor would discuss medication with me (I basically just wanted something for emergencies), he wanted something formal from a psychiatrist. That was a year ago and no referral ever came, so she said she’d look into it.

I was feeling pretty good about this, after the appointment. It wasn’t so bad, I thought! The inhaler started to work on my cough and I felt much better. My aunt, a nurse, raised the question of why this NP wouldn’t have ordered a chest x-ray and bloodwork right off the bat, but I was pleased that the inhaler worked.

Within a few days, I’d developed debilitating muscle/joint pain, however.

And by “debilitating”, I mean I couldn’t walk.

Remember, I’m a runner, and have been for years. I’m also stubborn as fuck and hate taking medication. I’ve dealt with twisted ankles, banged up knees, hip bursitis, etc. When I’m injured or sore, I…just keep going. So when I say I started waking up every morning with pain in every muscle and joint so severe it took me ten minutes to actually get on my feet out of bed, I am not exaggerating or being a baby about it.

*

The follow-up appointment rolled around. My anxiety, again, went through the roof. On the ride there, I kept trying to explain to my mother why I found it so terrifying, and I finally said to her: “I’m afraid that I’ll be told everything’s in my head.”

This is something I think people with mental illness, particularly ones that mess with your judgement sometimes like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, likely understand, and especially if you’ve ever been around people who are manipulative and experienced gaslighting. It’s hard sometimes to trust yourself and there’s an inherent fear that speaking up and confiding in someone will lead to you being told you’re just crazy.

So anyway, here I am once again in the doctor’s office, starving and tired and so anxious I’m almost in tears. The NP is late coming in, finally gets there and asks how things are. I explain the inhaler took care of about 80% of the cough, and she thought I could taper off of it, but finally ordered a chest x-ray just in case. Then I explained about the pain and how I was unable to eat/still losing weight.

She dropped eye contact with me, sat down, looked at my file again and asked if the psych referral had come yet.

*blink*

tumblr_mhh2cblp961qghhigo1_500Me: Well, no, though that’s kind of a concern as well. I’ve been too sick to work much, in so much pain now too that I can barely sit at the computer, and not working = no money = I can’t pay rent/buy food, and that’s stressing me out/making me depressed.

And then she started talking about me taking antidepressants.

I argued, vehemently, saying I wasn’t interested, and, um, HAI, I’m losing this weight–

She said I’m losing weight because I’m too depressed and tired to cook meals.

*blink*

(No, I was too tired to cook ELABORATE VEGAN MEALS; I was capable of zapping a frozen entree in the microwave, which I’d been doing.)

I brought up the debilitating physical pain I was in, pointing out I could barely fucking walk and had to pop ibuprofen, which I *never* do.

She said, and I quote, “Depressed people feel more pain.”

Really?

*blink*

Never, ever, in twenty years of serious depression and suicidal thoughts has my illness *ever* presented with physical pain. But she wouldn’t listen to that. She kept talking about antidepressants.

I said I was bipolar and putting me on antidepressants without a mood stabilizer was dangerous.

She said she’d “feel comfortable” putting me on a low dose without a. a stabilizer, or b. a formal diagnosis. And she could put in the paperwork to get them free, since I don’t have a drug plan. And she was putting in a referral for a social worker, as they work with the mental health department.

849362

I was in tears at this point. There was this…odd, spinny sort of feeling in my head, like I could literally feel myself spiraling, and the floor tilted, and I just thought: I am crazy. Here was this medical professional telling me, This sickness is all in your head. You are crazy. I am not going to listen to you. I know better than you. 

So I just nodded, said whatever. She reluctantly agreed to order basic bloodwork but said there was no hurry and made it clear she didn’t think anything would come of it.

Then she smiled kindly at me and said, “We’re going to get you well again.” And left the room.

We’re going to get you well again.

ku-medium (18)

I got my x-ray and bloodwork reqs, dressed. Stumbled out (almost literally, because pain + physical weakness because I couldn’t eat) of the office and into the waiting room in a daze, where my mum was. I almost didn’t bother submitting the requisitions but I knew if I didn’t, Mum (and friends DINA and DANNI, yes, you’re both responsible here) would yell at me and make me go back again.

I got into the elevator with Mum and finally broke down sobbing, “I’m just crazy. It’s all in my head, I’m crazy.”

*

Even writing this now, several months later, knowing the entire time I was fucking RIGHT that I was sick…I have this fluttering in my stomach recalling all this. I can feel that spinny, spiraling sensation again, where everything concrete in my head that I was so certain of just seemed to be crumbling.

*

If I didn’t have my mother insisting I wasn’t crazy, I wouldn’t have gone through with the bloodwork–I would have just gone home and continued getting sicker. That bloodwork showed an elevated sed rate–inflammation in the body–which led to my own doctor insisting on follow-up bloodwork, and slowly got the ball rolling that eventually led to a diagnosis…almost four months after the initial appointment with the NP.

If I had accepted I was just crazy, I would have just gone home and never gone to the doctor again and continued getting so sick with this autoimmune thing that I likely wouldn’t have gotten help until I required an emergency room visit.

If I had gone on the antidepressants she’d insisted on, god knows how those side effects would have masked or affected the symptoms of my disease and made it that much harder to diagnose later. Also? Given how steroids knock me into mania, antidepressants likely would have as well, which is very fucking dangerous.

And speaking of–the inhaler she put me on? One of the possible side effects was EXTREME MUSCLE/JOINT PAIN. Which she should have known before giving it to me. And the ibuprofen I was taking for it? Seriously bad for the disease it turns out I have, and likely caused more damage to my body.

This will be my reaction should I *ever* encounter this NP again.
This will be my reaction should I *ever* encounter this NP again.

I was sick for much longer than I should have been, in part because I was passed off as a crazy person by the medical professional responsible for helping me. Possibly irreversible damage has been done to my body. Countless work hours were lost, which–all these months later–is STILL affecting me as I’m in a terrifyingly bad financial place.

All this occurred because of a psych referral request in my file; this woman assumed, then, that everything had to relate back to my mental health and wouldn’t listen to me.

I have no doubt in my mind that she meant well. That she seriously thought she was doing the best thing for me and invested in my well-being.

But even well-meaning healthcare professionals who are good at their jobs have their prejudices and blindspots, and can be seriously damaging for people like me.

This is mental illness stigma, folks.

This is what happens when you assume a mentally ill person can’t be trusted to know their own body.

This is what happens when healthcare practitioners don’t listen to mentally ill patients.

Mentally ill = crazy, and crazy people can’t be believed, right? Everything is in their heads? They are always out of touch with reality?

Isn’t this what we’re always told? Isn’t that why so many of us are afraid to see doctors in the first place, so we lack any experience needed to properly navigate healthcare?

*

As a result of this experience, I had to have a talk with my mother about my wishes should she ever be made a substitute decision maker for me, since this is now a very real fear of mine.

As a result of this experience, I have to think long and hard about whether I want to pursue a psych referral and formal diagnosis, because if merely having it in my file is enough for someone to completely disregard me when I have a serious health problem, it’s not worth it.

As a result of this experience, I am hesitant even bringing up my mental health concerns during doctor’s appointments (if I had, I might’ve been warned how badly prednisone would fuck with my moods).

As a result of this experience, I’ve had to re-learn to trust myself and stop living in fear that my brain is constantly lying to me even when my moods are stable.

*

tumblr_mmmex24RgZ1r0a7fqo1_500Navigating healthcare, trying to seek help, while encountering prejudice, misinformation, and stigma is daunting and dangerous. My example here is just one of many encountered by so many people dealing with mental illness. And I am fucking lucky that I had the support of friends and family; others don’t.

And they are at the mercy of decision-makers who insist “We’re going to get you well again” yet don’t even have a grasp on what’s wrong with you.

Yes, let’s talk about mental illness. Let’s talk and talk and never stop. Talk to friends and family, talk to healthcare professionals, talk to policy makers, talk to anyone who will fucking listen. Talk when it makes you uncomfortable. Talk when it’s scary. Talk because your life and well-being depends on it.

Encountering stigma naturally stifles our voices, pushes us back into the dark, but the only way to change it is to keep talking back.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: bipolar, life, personal

January 18, 2015 By Skyla Dawn Cameron Leave a Comment

Soundtrack Sunday – RIVER Edition

rebellion-coverSo I’m working on a little short story at last that I’d wanted to include with River but didn’t (as I was really sick when that book came out and not writing at all), called Rebellion. I’ll have more news on that later, but I’ve once again pulled out my River playlist while writing it and thought I’d re-share.

(This was originally shared as part of the blog tour in the summer, ICYMI.)

So, River fans, here are the songs that I played both while writing the book in 2003 and rewriting it last year (hence a wiiiide variety). Lyrically, they usually fit with the characters or scenes I’ve referenced below (otherwise, they just sort of fit with the book).

Enjoy!

 

Stabbing Westward – “Television”
River’s theme.
I’ve searched the world//For someone with answers//To questions that are plaguing me//I scream in vain//To anyone who’ll listen//But everbody’s watchin’ TV

Linkin Park – “Numb”
Daryl’s theme.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Jeffrey Gaines – “In Your Eyes”
(If you’ve read the book, you know this song has a prominent role.)

Blue Foundation – “Eyes on Fire”
River stalks Daryl.
I’m taking it slow//Feeding my flame//Shuffling the cards of your game//And just in time//In the right place//Suddenly I will play my ace

Sarah McLachlan – “Building a Mystery”
(Both because River feels like her opponent is building a mystery, and also because David Usher is in the video and he looks a bit like I pictured young Mr. Marsden.)

Florence + The Machine – “Howl”
“Daryl tumbled but I was on him before he hit the ground, my lips parted in a half-howl, half-scream.”
If you could only see the beast you’ve made of me//I held it in but now it seems you’ve set it running free

Korn – “Alone I Break”
River’s rage when she tears up her room.
I will make it go away//can’t be here no more

Evanescence – “Haunted”
River’s nightmares.
Watching me, wanting me//I can feel you pull me down

Angie Hart – “Blue”
Night falls//I fall// And where were you?//Warm skin//Wolf grin//And where were you?

Sheryl Crow – “Strong Enough”
River’s other theme.
When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care//When I’m throwing punches in the air//When I’m broken down and I can’t stand//Would you be man enough to be my man?

K’s Choice – “Believe”
Bravely I look further than I see//Knowing things I know I cannot be, not now

Moist – “Leave It Alone”
River mourns at her brother’s grave.
I’d walk the water to get back to you//And where I was complete

BOA – “Duvet” (acoustic)
“I’d rather drown next time than have you following me”/“I’d rather you be alive and hating me than dead”
And you don’t seem to understand//A shame you seemed an honest man//And all the fears you hold so dear//Will turn to whisper in your ear 

Twinbed – “Trouble I’m In”
“Fine. No more words.”
I wanna feel your touch//It’s burning me like an ember

Poe – “Wild”
Chase through the woods/final fight.
You’ve got a lot of nerve to come back//Plan your attack yeah I am still waiting//You wrote the rules to try to contain me//You broke ’em//Now you have untamed me

Lifehouse – “Everything”
“…if I thought it would make you happy.”
How can I stand here with you//And not be moved by you?

Sarah McLachlan – “Fumbling Toward Ecstasy”
“We don’t need human words.”
and if I shed a tear I won’t cage it//I won’t fear love//and if I feel a rage I won’t deny it//I won’t fear love

 

Wolfe_2014-smAnd, as a bonus, the theme song for the sequel, Wolfe:

Johnny Cash – “Hurt”
If you’ve read that book, know that “Hurt” played pretty much on repeat during the entire final fifth of the novel.
Everyone I know goes away//In the end//And you could have it all//My empire of dirt//I will let you down//I will make you hurt

 

Next time: either the Bloodlines or Soulless soundtrack.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: river, soundtrack sunday

  • « Previous Page
  • 1
  • …
  • 67
  • 68
  • 69
  • 70
  • 71
  • …
  • 83
  • Next Page »

In Memory of Gus

Become a Patron!

Buy My Books

shop direct now

Kobo | Smashwords (or try here) | Apple Books | GooglePlay | Libro.fm | Print at Payhip | Print at Amazon
Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Books in Progress

73000 / 65000 words. 100% done!
Demon Fall

114398 / 110000 words. 100% done!
Beneath the Pines

45000 / 100000 words. 45% done!
These Haunted Woods

5000 / 70000 words. 8% done!
Stranger in the Halls

3000 / 35000 words. 8% done!
The Tree of Life

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

Recent Comments

  • Skyla Dawn Cameron on “Why is the pandemic mentioned so much in Dweller?”–Media Literacy and Real-World Consequences
  • Skyla Dawn Cameron on Rebranded (and a Little Nostalgic)
  • Liz on Rebranded (and a Little Nostalgic)
  • Liz on All Audiobooks Now Available
  • Liz on “Why is the pandemic mentioned so much in Dweller?”–Media Literacy and Real-World Consequences
  • Skyla Dawn Cameron on Rebranded (and a Little Nostalgic)
  • Lena on Rebranded (and a Little Nostalgic)
  • Buy Your Paperbacks Directly From Me – Michael W Lucas on It’s Done
  • CRussel on Torching Kindle (and Probably My Career, YOLO)
  • Anna Blake on Torching Kindle (and Probably My Career, YOLO)

MEET SKYLA DAWN

Writer of urban fantasy, thrillers/mysteries, and horror.
Fifth-generation crazy cat lady. Bitchy feminist.
So tired all the goddamn time.

My characters kill people so I don’t have to.

read more

Become a Patron!

Socials

  • Amazon
  • Bluesky
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Reddit
  • Twitter

What I’m Working On:

Writing Waverly 8 and revising Waverly 4.

I'm not inclined to resign to maturity.