It’s been a very stressful week.

It started Sunday with a tension headache that had me in bed literally all day. Continued to Monday with so much running around my head is still spinning. My cat Vincent has bladder cystitis so he’s literally peeing on everything. His various medications and special food ran me $220 plus $50 in laundry done over Tuesday and Wednesday. I had not budgeted for this and my dog’s meds came due at the same time last week, which was $300 and…yeah, I am hurting. A lot. The NaNo book I’m supposed to be writing isn’t cooperating. Today was supposed to be a quiet day to support my friend going through a rough loss and maybe some writing, and then a whole heap of other stressors were thrown on.

I hit 7pm. Realized I hadn’t eaten. At all. I think I also forgot to take my pills, which meant I also hadn’t had anything to drink.

I did steam-clean my carpet earlier, though, so there’s that.

Anyway, I had a moment of panic, and then wondered if I should even bother or just eat again tomorrow (look, it’s logical to me). I’ve been having a really rough time with everything, like eating off of paper towels because dishes are piled up, and I don’t leave my bedroom all day. It’s particularly hard to claw your way out of when you’re not even eating.

So I pulled out the Everything Is Terrible and I’m Not Okay checklist*.

I am not good at self-care. I try, really hard, and when I do most people think I’m being bitchy and antisocial, but…I try.

I think a lot of people have trouble with it too. So you out there, reading this. I want you to go through the checklist with me. I’m copying over the questions and then I’m telling you my answers/what I ate or did, etc. You can tell me in the comments what you did.

Are you hydrated?
I promptly drank 500mL of water. I am on my second bottle of water.

Have you eaten in the past three hours? 
I had not eaten at all. I did go with protein, and had an English muffin with Tofutti cream cheese, and a scrambled (free range! local!) egg with green onion.

Have you showered in the past day?
I had a bath last night, but went and took a shower AND I used the new, unused guest towels which were soft and free of cat hair.

If daytime: are you dressed?
Yes, but I dress like an Active in the Dollhouse (“Did I fall asleep?” “For a little while…”) anyway. What I DID do was put on my Unicorn Bra** (okay, story down below), a fresh tank top, expensive panties, and clean yoga pants.

If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep?
Not nighttime here (at least not bedtime) but go to the original post for good advice–I’ll be doing it later.

Have you stretched your legs in the past day?
I took the dog out a few times and I STEAM-CLEANED MY CARPETS so fuck you, no, I’m sitting for the rest of this.

Have you said something nice to someone in the past day?
I think I have but it doesn’t hurt to do so again.

Have you moved your body to music in the past day?
NO I DID NOT. This was an excellent idea. Here’s my playlist while I danced with my cats:

I started with Sia:

Then swung over to Fight Song:

And ended with my Livi and West them:

Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days?
YES. This is pretty much all I do. I even got Socially Awkward Cat to cuddle in my arms last night.

Do you feel ineffective?
This is where I’m supposed to get something done. Well…I DID steam-clean my carpets today. I will do a load of dishes next.

Do you feel unattractive? Take a goddamn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look, and you’ll fight society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.
Look, I left the instructions intact there so you know to tell me I’m pretty post-shower but dressed in a poorly-lit room with no make-up.

Do you feel paralyzed by indecision?

I’ll make a decision about this later.

Have you seen a therapist in the past few days?
That’s not how we do things around here, List.

Have you been over-exerting yourself lately — physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually? That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment.
Um…

Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand?
No, but my cat is on antidepressants now, so there’s that.

Have you waited a week?
I wait all the weeks, List. Unless it’s prior to getting another cat. *bad-da-bum*

YOUR TURN.

Have you taken care of yourself today?

Also, don’t forget to watch the Wonder Woman trailer ten times:

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*First note, the rest of it is “questions to ask before giving up”. I am not actively suicidal. Do I have daily thoughts of suicide? Yes, since I was thirteen, thanks for asking! I, however, am not in immediate danger of self-harm, but spiralling worse into a very dark place, which this also works for.

**So, the Unicorn Bra…I had to get a dress and clothes for the funeral because I didn’t want to look like a homeless street urchin, which meant finally getting a proper bra because Danni and my SiL made me. I’ve been wearing a 38DDD (demi-cup) because, well, that’s what I can find.

Turns out…I’m a 38J. That’s a thing.

So I was handed all these bras to try on and the girl came over with one, and she was like “It’s pretty, but it’s that kind of bra that never really looks good on anyone. There’s always that unicorn, though, so you can try.” Turns out…I AM A UNICORN. So it’s my go-to special bra now. (Danni responded to the girl with “She’s a Ferrari. Livi readers, you get it.)

Today marks one year since Aunt Judy died.

There is a part of me that will never entirely believe it. I look at pictures of hers I grew up seeing now on my walls, gifts from her on my bookshelves, and it still doesn’t seem real. She was such a constant in my life, I just feel…lost so much of the time. I’m still eager to share new stories with her, only to realize she’ll never read them. That light we all lost with her still feels painfully absent, and I continually doubt I can live up to the potential she always saw in me.

This was the last email she sent me. My dad had died earlier in the month. Then my bunny. And I didn’t know it yet how much more I’d lose, how nothing would be the same again, nor how just a few days later she’d be in the hospital and wouldn’t come home again.

“I’m here for you, as always, for whatever.”

I try so hard to believe that. I do.

Death anniversaries are significant for most people, but it’s the year and a day that matters to me. That’s when the soul has been through some processing time and is free to return, to be reborn. Nothing is harder for me than faith, but I think it’s more that one believes rather than what one believes, so I choose to celebrate her tomorrow. To read her stories and hear her voice again and to remember she believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.

When I lived with her for a year and a bit, I introduced her to the height of indulgence for me: Hors d’Oeuvres Day. Usually I do it on my birthday, but we’d sometimes hit M&M’s, stock up, and just randomly watch movies and eat appetizers all day. She’d show me her favourite films she was excited about, I’d try to talk her into some terrifying horror movie, and we’d binge-watch TV shows. And drink daiquiris. So in addition to trying to be kind, to share that light she gave others, that’s my plan for the day and I ask you, wherever you are, to take even a few moments to do the same.

Encourage someone, show them what light they have inside them. Be kind to yourself. Eat some good food, watch some good movies. Drink. Laugh. Love.