Well I certainly fell off the attempts to regularly blog.
The main explanation is that I was blogging while on my treadmill. That’s no longer a thing as the motor burnt out a few weeks ago. Partly probably because it’s a cheaper model, but also the cat hair didn’t help. I thought I was cleaning around it sufficiently but apparently not.
So that’s been a very expensive mistake that I spent months saving up for first when I got it two years ago and then again to get the standing desk. I now have a 600-dollar 70-lbs paperweight (and 300-dollar desk that’s little more than a cat toy)–I don’t drive, so I’ll have to hire the junk people to come and remove the treadmill, and that’ll be another couple hundred dollars. Even if I could afford the risk to get a new one, I can’t while this one’s still here.
It’s definitely contributed to the depressive episode I’m in right now. I am so discouraged with so many things. The increase cost of living, the last book tanking so spectacularly (which the new mystery series seems likely to do as well), struggling to write, and now I’ve lost those couple of hours a day of walking. The snow will melt soon, so I’ll be able to start walking at night, but I have a lot of anxiety about leaving for even an hour (irrational anxiety, sure, but based in past trauma, and also housebound for three pandemic years).
If there’s a benefit of being suicidal since the age of thirteen (lol) it’s having the experience to know feelings are temporary and trying to keep going anyway. Take that shower, drink a lot of water, keep up with vitamins (that’s one of the reasons I have chewable ones). I even spent a couple of hours yesterday chopping veggies and doing food prep for the week: raw veggies for lunch and pasta salad.
I keep this one as my guiding light.
It doesn’t stop the fact that I just want to sleep and my brain is foggy and it’s taken forever to write this update, but it helps keeps me focused on the good things, and preventing me from spiraling.
I pre-planned quarterly breaks in my schedule as to not burn out (and putting a moratorium on favours this year so I don’t kill myself again this year) and the first is scheduled for the end of this month, which means I have edits to finish and some regular graphics work, and otherwise can be gentle with myself for the next two weeks. I’ve got the Waverly prequel short story off for edits, everything else for TKB ready, scheduling some Patreon posts, and I’m trying to get work done on Hell Fire. At least if I get it structured and something down, I can fill in [important conversation later] stuff when I feel better.
Otherwise, it’s me holding on by a thread, dragging my carcass through the motions, and playing my Magic Cat Collector Game.
Okay there’s more than magic cats but this is what I’m playing for. I’m also now up to fourteen (of twenty) found.
So if all’s quiet around here the next few weeks, that’s why–I’m shutting down a little and keeping to myself, but still alive, at least, and doing my best.