Note: If this post seems familiar, it’s because it’s an old one from my old blog. I meant to dig it out last year, forgot, but here it is again.

Originally posted November 27, 2013

With Thanksgiving in the US this week and Christmas coming up, a lot of people are cooking for a lot of other people. And as I’ve had many people cook for me at large gatherings, I’ve had this issue come up again and again for over eighteen twenty years now.

“You’re a vegetarian/vegan? WHAT WILL YOU EAT??”

You would think, the way people wail this with concern, that all they serve is meat. I understand when you have people over you want to be sure everyone has a nice time and vegetarians/vegans present a difficult prospect.

Rest assured, I will help you with your meal planning today.

Circumstance #1: You KNOW a person visiting is vegetarian or vegan.

This is an excellent thing because you can plainly ask ahead of time what they do or do not eat (some vegetarians might eat eggs but not dairy or vice versa, vegans might be picky right down to what sugar they have). Rather than stress or worry about providing something special for them, here’s what you can do: ask them to bring something.

I know, if you’re playing host(ess) it can be awkward, but I promise we won’t be offended. A simple, “Here’s the meal I’m planning. There will be food there that is safe for you to have however please feel free to bring something you know you’ll like.” I’ve brought fake veggie meat before, or a salad for everyone that’s safe for me to eat too, etc.

This can be difficult if, say, your kid is bringing a vegetarian boyfriend/girlfriend, or it’s someone you don’t know very well and can’t really ask.

Okay, meat eaters. Think, for a moment, about your dinner. Are you serving potatoes? Vegetarians can eat those! (Just don’t use chicken broth in mashed ones and roast them separately from meat.) How about mixed vegetables? Vegetarians can eat those as well! Many types of stuffing/dressing don’t automatically contain meat, so prepare it outside of the turkey and there you go. Also, squash? Turnip? Sweet potatoes? ALL vegetarian friendly.

How about salad? Here’s a tip: have bacon bits in a separate dish for people to add if they choose, and have a plain oil and vinegar dressing as another option. There, vegetarians are covered.

Another tip: include mushroom gravy. I’ve been to meals where there was only meat gravy and no margarine, and that left me with some salt for my potatoes/veggies and that’s it. Which isn’t really fun.

Big meals are always about the sides anyway. You do not need to do something fancy to accommodate vegetarians. I promise you that as long as you don’t ask your vegetarian guest to pick the meat out of whatever you’re serving, they will love the meal and appreciate the effort.

Circumstance #2: You DIDN’T know a guest is vegetarian or vegan.

I was in this sitch a lot as a teen. It’s awkward for all involved. When I was a teenager, I stressed every time I had to eat at someone’s house because I wasn’t sure how to tell them before arriving and I didn’t want to offend them by not eating what was offered to me. I also was extremely picky for a lot of years–different food textures caused me a lot of anxiety and there were common things I wouldn’t eat. Meat on top of that was stressful.

Look, you can’t prepare for what you don’t know about ahead of time. Generally speaking, for a traditional sit down meal, it’s not hard to ensure something on the table is vegetarian-friendly.

If you’ve prepared potatoes in with a roast, toss an extra one in the oven so the vegetarian guest can have a baked potato instead. A few minutes in the microwave then in the oven to crisp up, voila. Not fancy but still tasty AND thoughtful. Some veggies in the freezer? Throw them in the microwave.

And the salad thing. I promise, you don’t have to include meat or dressing directly on the salad. People can add that themselves.

Generally, when you don’t know for sure who you’re feeding, the best strategy is to always ponder “What if?” when meal planning. What if someone, for whatever reason, can’t eat meat/dairy/etc? It’s not out of the way to cook potatoes outside the roast. It’s easy to keep a few tins of mushroom gravy in the cupboard (double check that they’re not made with meat broth, though). Here’s my recipe for easy veggie gravy: make a roux (with margarine, butter, or maybe grapeseed oil), heat it up. Add some spices (onion, garlic, a dash of liquid smoke–you get it) OR a teaspoon of Vegemite if you have access. Then add your veggie stock. Stir until smooth, let it bubble. There, you have an easy, meat-free gravy anyone will enjoy.

Worst case scenario, throw some pasta on the table. Bitches love pasta. Some noodles and tomato sauce. BAM. Done.

The fact is, anyone who has been a vegetarian or vegan for more than a few months already knows that when eating at someone’s house or a potluck, they will probably be stuck in the corner eating the salad they brought and a dinner roll. This is normal for us. We appreciate any effort to give us more options.

Okay, so easy peasy, right?

Vegetarians and vegans also seem to make people uncomfortable. Here are some things you can keep in mind.

* Do not ask them where they get their protein/iron/etc. You can google that information later. Their health is between them and their doctor. Not your business, and it’s not their job to educate you.

* Do not justify your choice to eat meat. Your choices are none of their business either. Yes, there are judgy vegetarians but I have met more judgy carnivores who at every turn feel the mere words “I’m a vegetarian” require them to detail all the ethical reasons why they find eating meat acceptable. This is not appropriate dinner conversation, and your preemptive defensiveness is only going to make them MORE smug.

* Do not say “I’m a member of PETA–People Eating Tasty Animals!” This joke was not funny the first two hundred and thirty-seven times we heard it. It’s not funny when you say it either. Further, unless your vegetarian friend has walked into your house and pissed on your bible, there is no reason to mock someone’s deeply held moral beliefs no matter how silly you think they are. Understand this joke hurts me. It deeply upsets me. This is something I care tremendously about. Mocking me for it tells me you don’t care about me.

* Do not slip meat into their food without telling them. I can’t even begin to tell you how fucking wrong this is. If someone says they don’t eat something–dairy, meat, gluten, nuts, whatever–don’t serve it to them. You don’t know if it’s going to cause an allergic reaction or a serious problem with their health. Further, even if they don’t eat something for moral reasons, it is a fucking douchey thing to do. Think of the animals you love and wouldn’t eat. Horse. Dog. Cat. Dolphin. How would you feel if someone slipped that into your food because they simply disagree with you? If there is absolutely nothing I can eat at a table, I would rather have a glass of water than be lied to.

* Do not be offended if they ask what is in certain things. We are not trying to be bitchy when we do this, I promise. But that caesar salad you prepared? The dressing contains anchovies. A dessert with jello or marshmallows? They contain gelatin. Pie? The crust could be made with lard. It is not a FUN thing to have to read every ingredient and question before you bite into something, so know that we’re not trying to be a pain in the ass. Like families dealing with nut allergies in their kids, though, we know there are a whole lot of things you likely haven’t thought of (not your fault!) and we just want to double check.

* Do not feel that you have to go to any trouble. You have prepared a large meal for a lot of people. Sit back, have a glass of wine, and enjoy some good conversation. You don’t need any more stress. There is no reason to whip up a fancy vegetarian dish for them (though go for it if you’re into that sort of thing–meat eaters can eat vegetarian dishes too!).

* Do not put up with bullshit. Some vegetarians ARE judgy self-righteous bints. If you’ve made an effort to put food on the table they’ll eat and you’re not giving them any grief, there is no reason for them to be jerks. Sometimes veggies–especially young and/or new ones–will be unbearable. I used to ask why we didn’t give thanks to the turkey that gave its life so humans could feast on its corpse. And then I would name the turkey. Really, I was awful. But a simple, “I am respecting your food choices; if you cannot respect the choices of others, you are not welcome here,” should bring them around.

* Do not push someone to eat something if they say “no thanks.” This is true for everyone, vegetarian or not. There is no reason to pressure anyone. If someone says “no thanks”, don’t push and don’t ask why. I was a very picky eater for years and it gave me a lot of anxiety to have to explain that I didn’t like certain things and risk offending people.

If you WOULD like to look at specifically vegetarian recipes, some places I follow include Fat Free Vegan, Post Punk Kitchen, Thug Kitchen, The Vegan Project (check out their holiday book on this topic)…there are others and I’ll add them as I think of them.

A final tip unrelated to vegetarians but important to remember: be very careful what scraps you feed your pets. Cooked bones splinter in an animal’s stomach. Onions are toxic to dogs. Do not just scrape food from your plate and feed it to your pet. I know you want to give them treats but that’s a dangerous way to do it.

Happy holidays, folks. Be thoughtful and have fun.