Thirty-Six Hours

My insomnia’s not been great the past several months–for a while it was the pain from a shoulder injury and the rest of the time it just seems to be my brain. I didn’t sleep much in my twenties–some was untreated mania, some was just me–but it’s been abundantly clear two decades later that I don’t handle that well long-term anymore and can’t function on a couple of hours of sleep.

Turns out my brain and body still have my back in an emergency, though, as I went thirty-six hours without sleep first up monitoring Shawn all night and then waiting for word from the vet while he stayed there all day. We’re treating him for idiopathic cystitis and an underlying infection (just in case)*; I’m familiar with FIC, although it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve dealt with it and in that case we knew the source of the stress and that it was best to rehome him.

With Shawn, I cannot fathom what is stressing him. The most exciting thing that happened last week was that I wouldn’t let him sit on my laundry drying on the rack which he likes to use as a jungle gym.

It’s a long weekend in Canada and my biggest concern, that he might have a blockage, is at least a distant one now as there were no crystals in his urine. Just “full of blood” and those are not words I want to hear in reference to this cat unless we’re speaking about his veins.

I just…my heart breaks for him and I simply don’t know what to do.

I don’t know why him.

No cat deserves to suffer anything, ever. But Shawn is just the most gentle-natured, sweet boy, and he has been through so much trauma literally from birth. His mom was killed when he was twenty-four hours old. Whether he knows it or not, he lost one brother to hypothermia, which he almost died from as well. He went through the rough stress of having a human raise him (Mom is always best) and complications from formula resulting in needing an enema twice. He lost his brother at eight weeks old. He’s had a cardiac ultrasound to double check anything wonky with his heart, he’s had a terrible eye ulcer and other random injuries, he’s been in for x-rays when his behaviour is off, he’s gets awful huge hairballs unless he stays on one food, he’s had two dental surgeries–one at 2 years old and one at 3–and lest we forget less than a year ago we discovered HIS JAW CAN LOCK OPEN IF HE YAWNS REALLY BIG. I dote over him nonstop, I start monitoring if the slightest thing is off, I have called the pet poison hotline I don’t know how many times, he gets yearly bloodwork to watch for issues. My every thought since he was two days old has been centered around his health and safety.

Now his bladder is full of blood, no one knows why, I have to keep him calm (he has no stress!) and keep getting extra water in him (he drinks all the time! he only accepts water mixed in his food if I physically hand-feed him it because he doesn’t like his face messy!) and even two days into treatment he’s just back and forth to the box straining, over and over. I still don’t even know for sure this isn’t cancer.

But I don’t understand why everything terrible just keeps happening to this cat. He’s not even seven years old and we have not gone a single year without a crisis (often more than one) and thousands of dollars in vet bills.

He’s supposed to go on a prescription canned food now, which will cause complications if he’s not exclusively on his hairball food, and we’re to keep meds around for more episodes if this is, indeed, FIC. I don’t know if calming supplements and Feliway will actually help, which just tack on more and more monthly expenses.

We can manage some vet visits. Long-term? I don’t know how to afford this atop all of Libby’s medications and food, and keep up with the health of my other elderly cats. Rent goes up in January (again) and I am running out of personal expenses to cut–the only streaming service I have left is Prime because I use the free shipping so often since I don’t drive. The only other monthly expenses I can cut out are groceries, medications the govt doesn’t cover, and my vitamins (needed because of deficiencies that come from being sick). I know I will try, I will do anything for him, but the market for selling kidneys is probably not great in this economy.

[ETA: I had some points to use from all my autoships of pet foods and got a three-month supply of Feliway Optimum to try out with him for free, so if it helps, I’ll worry later about how to manage it all.]

There is a wishlist with some extra stuff like Feliway, calming supplements (thank you to Krista for testing it), maybe a battery-powered fountain because I don’t have extra outlets in my room but he needs to drink more, etc. If the wishlist shipping throws an error for some reason: I cannot fix that. Please do not give me an extra chore right now like dealing with Amazon chatbots. It could be because of the Canada Post strike, I don’t know.

Last year, everyone was tremendously supportive for my birthday, which is the only reason I’ve had some savings for vet bills right now, and if no one is inclined to help with anything right now, that’s okay! But because I get asked “do you have a wishlist?”, even though it’s rarely used, yes I do (for him and silly gifts for me). I’ve tried to make it easy and clear how to do so and what we need, I made a whole sponsor-a-cat page for it last year. My mailing address is on my website, same place it’s been the past 10+ years, if it works better to order and just ship there instead of using the actual list. I have explained Petsmart CA and Amazon CA gift cards absolutely help as well. My PayPal address has not changed. All of those are options.

I am beyond exhausted and scared right now; I appreciate others like to help, but please don’t ask me to do jump through more hoops to accept it, I don’t have it in me to troubleshoot Amazon.

Last week I had a lot of success staying offline and getting headway on client projects and writing, and remembering how to focus and rest by using the Freedom app to stay offline. Then Friday threw everything into chaos and I’m still not sure if/when we have to head back this week for more potential tests, more meds, or what he needs, but I’ll try to work around that and exhaustion. He just remains my whole focus right now.

Today I’m resting** because I’m still not sleeping much. Shawn’s on kitty ativan plus some gabapentin, so he’s napping a lot as well; I’m overwhelmed again with the apartment, which I’d been chipping away at to get in some semblance of order, and I’m depressed, and I’m disappointed more vet expenses mean I can’t get some household things I’d been planning to get, and I’m worried, and very much not my best self right now.

I’m just so upset this poor little guy has one more thing going wrong. With everything’s he’s been through, I so badly want him to have a happy normal long life.

Another day and a half before the vet opens, hoping there’ll be progress to report.

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*I am not asking for advice. I have a lot of cat experience. I have good veterinarians I work with. Please do not offer unsolicited advice.

**And playing Wanderstop and jesus christ this game is attacking me at every turn.