How NOT To Be A Douche-Bag Author 101

How NOT To Be a Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

Today we're going to talk about...Newbie/Aspiring Author Douchebags.Read more

How Not To Be A Douchebag Author 101 - Guest Post! Dina's Guide to Not Being a Douchebag Author on Twitter

DISCLAIMER: This post is not for the faint of heart or thin-skinned. It contains free advice about how to be a professional writer, and it's very likely going to hurt some people and wound feelings. If you're reading this post and get all butt-hurt about it, then you're not ready to play Writer with the big people yet. Go home and cry to Mama (points if you get the reference!). Thank you to Skyla for inviting me to guest blog on her site of awesome.

Now, abandon hope, all ye who enter here. Fasten your seatbelts and keep your arms and legs inside the compartment, or they'll get hacked off with my lightsaber. I'm about to do some damage.

Still here? All right, then. You were warned.Read more

How Not To Be a Douche Bag Author 101: Novena Edition

In every writer's life, there comes a day when she worries about snowflaking out after a bad review, about snarking at an editor, about not following a publisher's guidelines.

Have no fear: there's a saint for that.

I have been canonized by the Gothic Goddess of Justice and Vengeance, and am now Skyla the Bitchstress Dreamkiller, Patron Saint of Not Being a Douchebag Author.

When publishing gets you down and you're at your wit's end, pause and pray a novena to Saint Skyla. To do so is simple. On Tuesday (sorry Saint Martha, but Skyla is a Tuesday child, full of...err...grace?), light a candle and say the following prayer. Do so for nine consecutive days and Saint Skyla will keep you from being a douchebag author.

Saint Skyla, Bitchstress Dreamkiller, pray for us douchebags.
Let us not sin with unproofread letters, typographical errors or misdirected queries.
Keep us from self-publishing, fee-charging agents and literary scams.
Lead us not into temptation, for we shall find it ourselves.
Bless us this day with chocolate, alcohol, and attractive persons of our preferred gender.
Let our cupcake platter runneth over.
Help us to remember evil in all that we do, and to slaughter e-pirates by the thousands.
Saint Skyla, Bitchstress Dreamkiller, pray for us.
Amen.

Follow up with three Hail Agents and three Our Editors. Include an offering with your novena, such as a glass of alcohol and a cupcake.

ETA: As was pointed out to me, novenas are totally customizable, so please alter it for your own douchebag needs. Per the Gothic Goddess: Douchebags of various genres will no doubt customize their novenas. For instance, urban fantasy writers may pray that their genre not be confused with paranormal or sci-fi, or teetotalers might pray for coffee or tea instead of booze. Novenas are variable!

Also feel free to give thanks or show us your novena in the comments. Remember to show your thanks when a saint helps you out!

ETA Part Deux: The Gothic Goddess has appeared as Our Lady of the Blankie. And we can both be followed on Twitter now.

I'm also supplying the Our Editor and Our Agent prayers here:

Our Editor who art in acquisitions,
hallowed be thy red pen.
Thy slush will come,
Thy decisions made,
on a book that's gotta be better than Snooki's.
Give us this day our daily acceptance letter,
and forgive us our manuscript typos,
as we forgive those who typo on Facebook against us,
and lead us not into responding negatively to rejection letters,
but deliver us from douchebaggery.
For thine is the slush pile,
and the power to acquire, and multi-book deal glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

Hail Agent, full of acceptance, the manuscript is with thee;
Blessed art thou amongst agencies, and blessed is the swiftness of thy response, 90 days.
Holy Agent, Representative of Authors, pray for us writers, now and at the hour of our submission. Amen.

(Hail Agent courtesy of Dina James.)

How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

We've had a few advice columns but not a regular one in a really, really long time.

Today we're going to talk about...Only Child Syndrome.Read more

HNTBADBA 101 - Am I a Douche Bag?

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Yes folks, it's been quiet over the holidays. It's not that I haven't had anything to rant about, it's just that I've been too busy yelling at people to blog about why I'm yelling at people. But here's a question from a writer that I thought might fit.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

It's Advice Column Friday! Read on.

Question du Jour...

Why do agents & editors twitch when authors refer to their novels as fiction? I've seen a few things on FB & Twitter about agents/editors getting their panties in a bunch when that shows up in a query.

Just wondering...

This might be a good question for your blog, too. I think a lot of newbie authors don't understand why it's taboo to call your ms an adult fiction novel.

You're right, it *is* a good question for the blog, which is why I used it for this column.

One thing every writer has to learn is not to be redundant. Say something once and don't repeat yourself unless its necessary for some other reason. So don't tell me about the vampire's twinkling sparkles. Just say he sparkles, 'cause twinkling isn't necessary.

Actually, don't say he sparkles either because vampires don't sparkle, people.

"Fiction novel" is redundant. With very, very few exceptions (and I can't even think of one but never say never), if you say that you're querying/submitting a novel, we're going to assume it's fiction. And "fiction" isn't a genre, so you shouldn't use it as an adjective for novel. Urban fantasy? Futuristic romance? Comedic horror? Those are all genres. We don't typically consider "fiction" to be a genre, and tacking it on to describe your novel inducing eye-rolling from agents and editors.

Please note that it does NOT make you a douche bag. No one is going to reject you based on using "fiction novel" in a query (well, I might if it otherwise lacked sparkle and my slush pile was sitting in the hundreds). But it's the first red flag that you're an amateur, and that's not an impression you want to leave with an editor or agent.

And as for why we get twitchy over it...just imagine our slush piles for a moment. Now imagine that every three cover letters, we see that "fiction novel" mistake. When those things happen over and over, we get whiny, and since Twitter is RIGHT THERE for when we want to ZOMGWHINE&BITCHABOUTAUTHORS, all you lovely kids get to see us twitch.

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Have a question you want to ask? Drop a line to notadouchebag@skyladawncameron.com Read Da Rules here.

Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

For past issues, please head here.

Did you know that you can subscribe directly to the HNTBADBA 101 feed? Click here.

HNTBADBA 101 - Am I a Douche Bag?

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

It's Advice Column Friday! Read on for two new DB author questions!

Dear Skyla,

If I send my new Senior Editor the second installment of my series AND a gigantic bottle of vodka at the same time, will that help my SE during the acquisitions process? Meaning, if said editor drinks the vodka whilst reading the manuscript, will she look over my typos and love the book anyway, or will she think I'm a DB author for luring her with alcohol?

Brightest blessings, Miss Witchypants

First, you need to tell me what kind of vodka.

This makes all the difference.

Cheap, I-might-as-well-be-drinking-nail-polish vodka gives a definite impression of douche bag, because instead of screaming "drink me", it says, "use me to clean your sink and toilet." And you don't want to suggest to your SE that she's a lousy housekeeper with a lot of cleaning to do.

(Please note that vodka doesn't actually talk, unless you're high, which is possible with your SE because she could be on some kind of drug just to survive the day...writers are alcoholics, editors are drug addicts in order to deal with the writers. Unless, of course, they've been to rehab, in which case they trade one addiction for another. So it's possible your SE is a sex addict. Have you asked her about that? Maybe you shouldn't, because that could make your working relationship awkward if she thinks you're sexually harassing her. Your best bet is to take her to a casino and see if she loses her house while gambling. If she doesn't, she's not a gambling addict, and therefore probably a sex addict. Unless she hasn't been to rehab yet. Then she's on drugs. So watch to see if she seems to be hearing her cocktail tell her to burn things.)

What were we talking about? Right. Vodka.

Nice, flavoured vodka, on the other hand, says, "I appreciate you, senior editor. You're special to me." Now, she may get so drunk that she doesn't even read your book, but she'll be so embarrassed about that, she'll tell you she loved the book and pretend like she read it. Then she'll edit it later and maybe be like "ZOMG, WTF was I thinking?" so it's best to send her another bottle of vodka during the editing process.

Of course, then your problem is going to be that readers will read the poorly edited book and think WTF? as well, so you should pick them up some vodka too. And some for the reviewers.

Basically, you should invest in a vodka company because I see sales skyrocketing after this column.

Next question!

Dear Skyla,

If you already have a contract with a publishing house, is it considered DB behavior to query an agent? If so, why? Some of us do not know how the industry works & would like to avoid giving ourselves a bad name.

Thank you!

Sincerely, Anon

Excellent question.

First, let's look at agents for a second. (Many are quite smexy, so this shouldn't be a problem.) Being an agent is a job. And why do you have a job? To make money. So the things that an agent spends time doing should, under most circumstances, get the agent money.

How do agents make money? By selling books to publishers and getting their cut of an advance (and later royalties).

So if you've already sold a book to a publishing house, it's too late to query an agent with that book. You've already sold it. Why would they sign you? They've missed out on that big advance (if you got one). Time is money for all of us in this industry, especially when the economy is this bad. They're not going to want to spend time with an author if they're not going to make any money. That just makes sense.

Now, if you write a new book that you don't have contracted, THAT is when you query an agent. It's giving them something to shop around, thereby giving them a way to make money.

(Please note that like most people in the industry, agents aren't JUST doing it to make money. They like books. But the reality is that warm fuzzy feelings from authors don't pay the bills, so they need to do stuff that'll ensure they don't go hungry and homeless. Because it's sad to see a smexy agent hungry and homeless.)

It's not that different from an editor's slush pile. I frequently get submissions that are incomplete. "Here are the first few chapters. I think the book will be about three hundred pages when I'm done." *headdesk*

Repeat after me: Time is money. Agents and editors aren't here to hold a new writer's hand for free. They want a finished, polished manuscript that they can make even more polished and then sell to editors or readers, respectively.

If you're not done a book and want feedback, get a critique group or beta reader. Don't ever, ever ask a publisher to just read a sample and get back to you with feedback. Especially me. Don't do that to me. EVER.

Sorry, I hijacked my own column. Agents. Right. Only query with a finished, unpublished book. Considering they get thousands of emails all the time, an unnecessary query is likely to make them twitch. And it's not good to make people twitch.

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Have a question you want to ask? Drop a line to notadouchebag@skyladawncameron.com Read Da Rules here.

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

Special Disclaimer: Editors aren't necessarily drug addicts. Don't flip out. This is a humour column. Also, there are no doubt exceptions to the agent part, but, as always, the odds that anyone reading this is an exception are slim to none. There are always special circumstances, so don't come back with a whiny, "OMG, you're lying 'cause I heard of this ONE writer out of millions who had ___ happen!"

For past issues, please head here.

Did you know that you can subscribe directly to the HNTBADBA 101 feed? Click here.

HNTBADBA 101 - Am I a Douche Bag?

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

Yes, we usually have columns on Wednesdays, but I think we need some Friday fun, don't you? No? Well then, take your negativity elsewhere, please.

Today we're having our first ever advice piece for Am I a Douche Bag?

Dear Skyla,

Sometimes, when my Senior Editor thinks I'm working on the next novel, I'm actually singing "Wanna Date My Avatar" and dancing around the office with my cats. Does this make me a Douchebag, or just Slacky McSlackPants the Third?

Sincerely,

Elaine

Well, "Elaine", if that IS your real name...

I think this depends on a couple of factors.

1. Is it a sexy dance? Is your "office" a strip club? If so, you're not a douche bag, you're my hero--I SO wish I was a stripper. I'd be called Kylee Wyote (changed the spelling as to not be confused with the adult film actress) and I'd definitely strip to Do You Wanna Date My Avatar. That and Don't Stop Believing by Journey.

2. Have you bribed your Senior Editor with chocolate and/or liquor? Perhaps some combination of the two? Because, you see, that changes everything. Much like a tree falling in the woods where no one can hear it, you're not slacking or being a douche if your SE is in a drunken stupor and doesn't know what day it is.

Wow, I got philosophical there.

I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND.

And I forgot my third point.

At best, you're a writer embarrassing herself in front of her cats. At worst, you're just Slacky McDouchePants the Second.

Unless your next novel is Hunter's Crown, in which case you'd better haul ass 'cause that's penciled in for second quarter 2011 and I hear that Senior Editor is a psycho bitch who calls people douche bags.

Actually, it might be okay 'cause she's now dancing to Do You Wanna Date My Avatar...

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Have a question you want to ask? Drop a line to notadouchebag@skyladawncameron.com Read Da Rules here.

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

For past issues, please head here.

Did you know that you can subscribe directly to the HNTBADBA 101 feed? Click here.

How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

We're not having an official column this week as I'm busy getting yelled at by lots of people whom I don't actually work for.

Instead, I'd first like to thank everyone for the wonderful emails of support last week and all the great comments on Facebook. You are all tres awesome and not douche bags. :-) AND no one ruined Julie Butcher's birthday. Yay!

* Something I hear a lot from people is, "Every time I read your column, I worry that I've been a douche bag" or "I hope I'm not a douche bag!" Yes, folks, it's sometimes a healthy worry to have--we all want to make sure we're not contributing to people wishing to throw themselves out a window.

So a new feature here will be, "Am I a douche bag?"

You, gentle reader and potential douche bag, are invited to write in and ask a question, and I'll tell you if I think you're a douche bag or not right here in this column. You can leave your question in the comments or email it in. If you want to be anonymous, you can set up an email account somewhere like Hotmail or Yahoo with a totally fake name like Douchey McDouchePants. Or you can use your real name and I'll link to your book and stuff. (I've seen stranger promo before.)

Da Rules: 1. I don't give legal advice. I'm not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV. 2. You MAY be a douche bag. I don't know yet. Please consider the mental trauma of learning that you make editors homicidal. 3. No names but your own. Vagueness appreciated. You can say "Person X" if you want but "Renesmee" would be funnier.

Emails can come to: notadouchebag@skyladawncameron.com

Have fun!

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

For past issues, please head here.

Did you know that you can subscribe directly to the HNTBADBA 101 feed? Click here.

*That's my INAMOOD photo. I use it on Facebook and Twitter when I want to kill people and/or characters. Seems appropriate for when I'm addressing douchebaggery as well.

How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

We haven't had a column here since August! I'm so very sorry. For one thing, I was on holidays during August and then spent a few weeks in September getting caught up. And then there's always crisis after crisis so I'm like two weeks behind in a bazillion things. HNTBADBA and blogging in general always slides when that happens.

The other problem is that although I often encounter douche baggery in publishing, it's hard to make a column out of it because it's such a specific incidence of douchiness that I can't talk about it without it turning into gossip. And although I LOVE gossip (for reals, if you have any you can send, please do), that's not what this column is for. It's to teach you in a fun, profanity-laced way how to not make me hate you if I ever have to work with you.

Normally the column is a Wednesday thing, but today is regular reader Julie Butcher's birthday is today (go sing to @jimsissy on Twitter), and besides an agent and cupcakes, I'm sure there's nothing she wants more than a HNTBADBA rant. Happy birthday, Julie!

So, remember, if you want to bitch and complain about this column (that no one is forcing you to read, btw), you are attempting to ruin Julie Butcher's birthday. That's right. You don't want to do that, now do you? I didn't think so.

Today's edition should be an obvious tip, but my inbox says otherwise...it's about spamming.

Internet Lesson #1: DO NOT SPAM PEOPLE.

Supposedly we all know this. Authors, however, seem particularly bad about missing this lesson.

Writer Internet Lesson #1: DO NOT SPAM PUBLISHERS

I get it, kids. You have a new book. And it's ZOMG awesome!!!

What you do, you see, is set up a newsletter. Do it either through your website, or through Yahoo/Google groups, etc. Then voluntarily let people sign up. Don't sign up everyone in the world. Let them come to you.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, add publisher and editor email addresses to your fucking auto-mail list.

I haven't a clue who the hell said it's a good idea, but it's NOT.

Sometimes I think that the author just forgot his or her address book had a bunch of publishers saved there. And this is why I tell people over and over to check their goddamn address books. But I got a couple recently (including the same one three times because it was sent to three addresses that all lead back to me) that specifically targeted publishers, both big and small. No guys, this wasn't a submission (though copying fifty publishers on one submission is an auto-reject...FYI). This was a fucking book release announcement. Sent to hundreds of publishers.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, kids?!

In what world do you think a publisher who did NOT publish your book wants to know about your book release? We're not friends. We're not even frenemies. I'm not going to buy your book. I'm not going to tell people about your book.

Most of the time, the people who do this are ones I've rejected. So I gotta wonder if their thinking is either "Haha, I'll show her--I got my book published!", or they legitimately just forgot I'm in their address book.

Let's take the first option for a moment.

Rejections are NOT personal. Well, except when they are, but odds are as long as you're not a stalker douche bag, it's not personal. One day, you will write a new book. I hope. And, odds are, it'll be better than the last one. You'll need to find a publisher for that book.

Why the fuck would you want to go on their spam list then? The initial rejection wasn't personal, but future ones might be if you've pissed them off. And yes, trust me, although I deal with thousands of people, the ones who pull stupid shit that pisses me off DO stick out in my mind when I come across them again.

Then later I got wondering...there's this stupid publisher myth out there that if your book is already published, publishers will be more likely to want to publish it. Okay, no, and...NO. Learn about first print rights and their value. Vanity/subsidy/self/etc publishers like to tell naive folks that the way to get their book published by a big commercial publisher is to self-publish it first. Um, it's NOT. Even if you lie about it. And yes, we find out about it regardless of whether you use a pen name or not (and no matter how fucking stupid and random the pen name is). If you sell five thousand copies and we think there's still an untapped market, well, maybe. But 99% of the time, NO.

Is the reason, then, that I and these other editors get spam about book releases because the writers think we'll want to run out and publish the book?

So many questions. I have no answers.

Oh, wait, yes I do--regardless of your reasons for wanting to do so, DO NOT SPAM EDITORS WITH YOUR BOOK RELEASE ANNOUNCEMENTS.*

Some people don't get that.

They are douche bags.

Don't be one.

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

Enjoy the column? Please drop an email of support to notadouchebag@skyladawncameron.com. I'll keep them to counter the ONE person in the universe who hates it and continues to try to get me in trouble every time I open my mouth.

For past issues, please head here.

Did you know that you can subscribe directly to the HNTBADBA 101 feed? Click here.

*Oh, but you know, go ahead and write back to tell me it's okay I rejected you 'cause PublishAmerica accepted it instead. That shit cracks me up every single time. Have fun!

How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

This week, we're going to talk about...douche bags who insult editors while their manuscripts are under consideration.

This may seem like a no-brainer. Why the hell would anyone insult an editor while their manuscript is under consideration (or while they THINK their manuscript is under consideration)? But it happens. A lot.

And not just from the people you'd expect. Yes, I had an author who had no professional credits send me long rambles lecturing me about publishing and insulting me and the company I work for, after I'd rejected three of his manuscripts. The fourth was, technically, still under consideration, but obviously that didn't occur to him when he emailed me several times in the course of a week to tell me how stupid I was and how I don't know anything about publishing.

However...even authors with multiple credits can be total fucking douche bags.

I've received a lot of lectures from people complaining that I've taken a year to evaluate their book when, in actuality, I rejected it months and months ago, but the message apparently went to spam. I received one such email from someone who works on a publishing staff elsewhere. This writer spent several paragraphs informing me how unprofessional I was for not replying and how awful the company must be for ignoring him...and THEN proceeded to say that the manuscript s/he had sent had been revised, and if we're still considering it, could s/he resend it?

Um...Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Okay, IF I was still considering it--which I wasn't, and I had rejected it eight months earlier--why the fuck would I STILL consider it after the author went off on a rant about how much I suck?

I also had someone tell me--after I pointed out that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't a good idea to yell at an editor for rejecting a manuscript since it's burning a bridge--that the bridge was going nowhere anyways because I rejected his work, so why not? Well, here's the thing, potential douche bags: not only do editors often end up working at different houses in the future, but they also talk to one another. A lot. If I deal with a total fucking twat in slush (or who is already contracted) do you honestly NOT think that I would tell other people to warn them? Because that's what we do. No one wants to work with problem children. When I had a slush author recently become increasingly more unhinged in his harassment of me, do you think I just sat back silently? Fuck no. I warned everyone I knew.

And yes, even in house authors pull this kind of shit.

Now, we all know that I'm a little anal about people being professional and fairly formal in their correspondence with me (unless I know them quite well and we've worked together before), and I'm VERY anal about people following the guidelines. So not doing those kinds of things puts me in a foul mood. But I've had authors bitch at me for not getting their book evaluated in under a month (and, I know this is shocking, BUT I often have more pressing things to worry about, like current book production), and others bitch at me because I've bounced their submission back and requested that they follow the guidelines.

Okay, so...you really, really, really want me to take your book and...the way to get me to do this is...to insult me?!

What the hell? Did these people go to those classes for pick-up artists that says if you act like a douche bag and insult a woman, she'll sleep with you?

Look, I'm the first one to want to open her mouth and snark back when people piss me off. I understand wanting to do that. But I don't because this is a business and I know I'm not going to get anywhere if I let my temper get the best of me.

I've said it before and I'll repeat it again: submitting your manuscript is a lot like dating. Authors are entering into relationships with publishers. If you go out on dates with someone, you're far less likely to get laid if you insult your date and tell her she's a moron who doesn't know anything about dating; if you submit a manuscript, you're far less likely to have it accepted if you yell and snark at the editor during the process

If a manuscript is under consideration, I don't care how impatient and annoyed you are--don't insult the editor while you're inquiring about your submission. A simple, "Dear ___, I submitted __Title__ on __Date__ and my name is __Author Name__. Can you please tell me the status?" IF the book actually is still under consideration, you haven't ruined your chances.

Some people lack this kind of logic.

They are douche bags.

Don't be one.

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

For past issues, please head here.

Did you know that you can subscribe directly to the HNTBADBA 101 feed? Click here.