this is how I stay sane

How Not To Be a Douche Bag Author 101: Novena Edition

In every writer's life, there comes a day when she worries about snowflaking out after a bad review, about snarking at an editor, about not following a publisher's guidelines.

Have no fear: there's a saint for that.

I have been canonized by the Gothic Goddess of Justice and Vengeance, and am now Skyla the Bitchstress Dreamkiller, Patron Saint of Not Being a Douchebag Author.

When publishing gets you down and you're at your wit's end, pause and pray a novena to Saint Skyla. To do so is simple. On Tuesday (sorry Saint Martha, but Skyla is a Tuesday child, full of...err...grace?), light a candle and say the following prayer. Do so for nine consecutive days and Saint Skyla will keep you from being a douchebag author.

Saint Skyla, Bitchstress Dreamkiller, pray for us douchebags.
Let us not sin with unproofread letters, typographical errors or misdirected queries.
Keep us from self-publishing, fee-charging agents and literary scams.
Lead us not into temptation, for we shall find it ourselves.
Bless us this day with chocolate, alcohol, and attractive persons of our preferred gender.
Let our cupcake platter runneth over.
Help us to remember evil in all that we do, and to slaughter e-pirates by the thousands.
Saint Skyla, Bitchstress Dreamkiller, pray for us.
Amen.

Follow up with three Hail Agents and three Our Editors. Include an offering with your novena, such as a glass of alcohol and a cupcake.

ETA: As was pointed out to me, novenas are totally customizable, so please alter it for your own douchebag needs. Per the Gothic Goddess: Douchebags of various genres will no doubt customize their novenas. For instance, urban fantasy writers may pray that their genre not be confused with paranormal or sci-fi, or teetotalers might pray for coffee or tea instead of booze. Novenas are variable!

Also feel free to give thanks or show us your novena in the comments. Remember to show your thanks when a saint helps you out!

ETA Part Deux: The Gothic Goddess has appeared as Our Lady of the Blankie. And we can both be followed on Twitter now.

I'm also supplying the Our Editor and Our Agent prayers here:

Our Editor who art in acquisitions,
hallowed be thy red pen.
Thy slush will come,
Thy decisions made,
on a book that's gotta be better than Snooki's.
Give us this day our daily acceptance letter,
and forgive us our manuscript typos,
as we forgive those who typo on Facebook against us,
and lead us not into responding negatively to rejection letters,
but deliver us from douchebaggery.
For thine is the slush pile,
and the power to acquire, and multi-book deal glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

Hail Agent, full of acceptance, the manuscript is with thee;
Blessed art thou amongst agencies, and blessed is the swiftness of thy response, 90 days.
Holy Agent, Representative of Authors, pray for us writers, now and at the hour of our submission. Amen.

(Hail Agent courtesy of Dina James.)

Skyla the Email Slayer

"One girl in all the world with the strength and skill to hit the 'reply' button. She alone will fight the questions, submissions, and the forces of douchebagginess. She is the Slayer."

In today's episode, Skyla stakes and turns to dust all those emails that came in during vacation while only breaking one or two nails, and makes eyes at that tall, brooding email with a soul. But can she stop the avalanche of slush from destroying all of Mundania-dale?


(This is how I amuse myself and stay sane, kids. Otherwise I might knock off liquor stores or something. It doesn't help that I recently watched 144 eps of Buffy back to back.)

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