How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

We haven't had a column here since August! I'm so very sorry. For one thing, I was on holidays during August and then spent a few weeks in September getting caught up. And then there's always crisis after crisis so I'm like two weeks behind in a bazillion things. HNTBADBA and blogging in general always slides when that happens.

The other problem is that although I often encounter douche baggery in publishing, it's hard to make a column out of it because it's such a specific incidence of douchiness that I can't talk about it without it turning into gossip. And although I LOVE gossip (for reals, if you have any you can send, please do), that's not what this column is for. It's to teach you in a fun, profanity-laced way how to not make me hate you if I ever have to work with you.

Normally the column is a Wednesday thing, but today is regular reader Julie Butcher's birthday is today (go sing to @jimsissy on Twitter), and besides an agent and cupcakes, I'm sure there's nothing she wants more than a HNTBADBA rant. Happy birthday, Julie!

So, remember, if you want to bitch and complain about this column (that no one is forcing you to read, btw), you are attempting to ruin Julie Butcher's birthday. That's right. You don't want to do that, now do you? I didn't think so.

Today's edition should be an obvious tip, but my inbox says otherwise...it's about spamming.

Internet Lesson #1: DO NOT SPAM PEOPLE.

Supposedly we all know this. Authors, however, seem particularly bad about missing this lesson.

Writer Internet Lesson #1: DO NOT SPAM PUBLISHERS

I get it, kids. You have a new book. And it's ZOMG awesome!!!

What you do, you see, is set up a newsletter. Do it either through your website, or through Yahoo/Google groups, etc. Then voluntarily let people sign up. Don't sign up everyone in the world. Let them come to you.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, add publisher and editor email addresses to your fucking auto-mail list.

I haven't a clue who the hell said it's a good idea, but it's NOT.

Sometimes I think that the author just forgot his or her address book had a bunch of publishers saved there. And this is why I tell people over and over to check their goddamn address books. But I got a couple recently (including the same one three times because it was sent to three addresses that all lead back to me) that specifically targeted publishers, both big and small. No guys, this wasn't a submission (though copying fifty publishers on one submission is an auto-reject...FYI). This was a fucking book release announcement. Sent to hundreds of publishers.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, kids?!

In what world do you think a publisher who did NOT publish your book wants to know about your book release? We're not friends. We're not even frenemies. I'm not going to buy your book. I'm not going to tell people about your book.

Most of the time, the people who do this are ones I've rejected. So I gotta wonder if their thinking is either "Haha, I'll show her--I got my book published!", or they legitimately just forgot I'm in their address book.

Let's take the first option for a moment.

Rejections are NOT personal. Well, except when they are, but odds are as long as you're not a stalker douche bag, it's not personal. One day, you will write a new book. I hope. And, odds are, it'll be better than the last one. You'll need to find a publisher for that book.

Why the fuck would you want to go on their spam list then? The initial rejection wasn't personal, but future ones might be if you've pissed them off. And yes, trust me, although I deal with thousands of people, the ones who pull stupid shit that pisses me off DO stick out in my mind when I come across them again.

Then later I got wondering...there's this stupid publisher myth out there that if your book is already published, publishers will be more likely to want to publish it. Okay, no, and...NO. Learn about first print rights and their value. Vanity/subsidy/self/etc publishers like to tell naive folks that the way to get their book published by a big commercial publisher is to self-publish it first. Um, it's NOT. Even if you lie about it. And yes, we find out about it regardless of whether you use a pen name or not (and no matter how fucking stupid and random the pen name is). If you sell five thousand copies and we think there's still an untapped market, well, maybe. But 99% of the time, NO.

Is the reason, then, that I and these other editors get spam about book releases because the writers think we'll want to run out and publish the book?

So many questions. I have no answers.

Oh, wait, yes I do--regardless of your reasons for wanting to do so, DO NOT SPAM EDITORS WITH YOUR BOOK RELEASE ANNOUNCEMENTS.*

Some people don't get that.

They are douche bags.

Don't be one.

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

Enjoy the column? Please drop an email of support to notadouchebag@skyladawncameron.com. I'll keep them to counter the ONE person in the universe who hates it and continues to try to get me in trouble every time I open my mouth.

For past issues, please head here.

Did you know that you can subscribe directly to the HNTBADBA 101 feed? Click here.

*Oh, but you know, go ahead and write back to tell me it's okay I rejected you 'cause PublishAmerica accepted it instead. That shit cracks me up every single time. Have fun!