How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

This week, we're going to talk about...douche bags who insult editors while their manuscripts are under consideration.

This may seem like a no-brainer. Why the hell would anyone insult an editor while their manuscript is under consideration (or while they THINK their manuscript is under consideration)? But it happens. A lot.

And not just from the people you'd expect. Yes, I had an author who had no professional credits send me long rambles lecturing me about publishing and insulting me and the company I work for, after I'd rejected three of his manuscripts. The fourth was, technically, still under consideration, but obviously that didn't occur to him when he emailed me several times in the course of a week to tell me how stupid I was and how I don't know anything about publishing.

However...even authors with multiple credits can be total fucking douche bags.

I've received a lot of lectures from people complaining that I've taken a year to evaluate their book when, in actuality, I rejected it months and months ago, but the message apparently went to spam. I received one such email from someone who works on a publishing staff elsewhere. This writer spent several paragraphs informing me how unprofessional I was for not replying and how awful the company must be for ignoring him...and THEN proceeded to say that the manuscript s/he had sent had been revised, and if we're still considering it, could s/he resend it?

Um...Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Okay, IF I was still considering it--which I wasn't, and I had rejected it eight months earlier--why the fuck would I STILL consider it after the author went off on a rant about how much I suck?

I also had someone tell me--after I pointed out that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't a good idea to yell at an editor for rejecting a manuscript since it's burning a bridge--that the bridge was going nowhere anyways because I rejected his work, so why not? Well, here's the thing, potential douche bags: not only do editors often end up working at different houses in the future, but they also talk to one another. A lot. If I deal with a total fucking twat in slush (or who is already contracted) do you honestly NOT think that I would tell other people to warn them? Because that's what we do. No one wants to work with problem children. When I had a slush author recently become increasingly more unhinged in his harassment of me, do you think I just sat back silently? Fuck no. I warned everyone I knew.

And yes, even in house authors pull this kind of shit.

Now, we all know that I'm a little anal about people being professional and fairly formal in their correspondence with me (unless I know them quite well and we've worked together before), and I'm VERY anal about people following the guidelines. So not doing those kinds of things puts me in a foul mood. But I've had authors bitch at me for not getting their book evaluated in under a month (and, I know this is shocking, BUT I often have more pressing things to worry about, like current book production), and others bitch at me because I've bounced their submission back and requested that they follow the guidelines.

Okay, so...you really, really, really want me to take your book and...the way to get me to do this is...to insult me?!

What the hell? Did these people go to those classes for pick-up artists that says if you act like a douche bag and insult a woman, she'll sleep with you?

Look, I'm the first one to want to open her mouth and snark back when people piss me off. I understand wanting to do that. But I don't because this is a business and I know I'm not going to get anywhere if I let my temper get the best of me.

I've said it before and I'll repeat it again: submitting your manuscript is a lot like dating. Authors are entering into relationships with publishers. If you go out on dates with someone, you're far less likely to get laid if you insult your date and tell her she's a moron who doesn't know anything about dating; if you submit a manuscript, you're far less likely to have it accepted if you yell and snark at the editor during the process

If a manuscript is under consideration, I don't care how impatient and annoyed you are--don't insult the editor while you're inquiring about your submission. A simple, "Dear ___, I submitted __Title__ on __Date__ and my name is __Author Name__. Can you please tell me the status?" IF the book actually is still under consideration, you haven't ruined your chances.

Some people lack this kind of logic.

They are douche bags.

Don't be one.

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

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