How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

We've had a few advice columns but not a regular one in a really, really long time.

Today we're going to talk about...Only Child Syndrome.

There is such a thing as normal following up, regular questions, etc. "Can you confirm my release date?" "Can you send me a copy of the revised cover?" "Would you be interested in more books in this series?" "Is my book still under consideration?" "I asked ___ a week ago--were you able to get more information yet?" I never, ever begrudge that. Now, I get a bazillion of those, which is why we hired a minion. But it's normal to want to be informed and since writing is (I assume) your career, you need info to plan accordingly.

And then there's Only Child Syndrome...aka Only Author Syndrome.

I once received the same inquiry from the same author six times in the span of twelve hours.

I've been bombarded with the same email several times in one day from the same people for something "urgent" that is, in no way, urgent...and wouldn't be urgent* for another four months, if that.

I've had people go through multiple rounds of editing and proofing screaming after the book is released because they've decided to change something in the book and want it re-edited and re-released. Right. Now.

I was asked once a week (and sometimes twice) for a month and a half by a slush author if we had decided on her book yet.

There is a line between asking normal questions of your editor, art director, etc, and attempts to monopolize the time of staff members in the mistaken belief that yours is the only book they're working on. And it's not a thin line, either. It's a very clearly pronounced one that we can see a mile away. Even the new assistant, who has only been working for us for a couple of months now, has said to me, "I cringe every time I see ___'s email address."

I've written before about how a reasonable level of trust and patience is necessary in the publication process, and how there are all these wheels turning to get books released. To go into a little bit more detail...

We know it will take X amount of time to edit, Y amount of time for cover art, and that we can always expect bumps along the way so there's Z amount of time as a cushion. We budget our time accordingly. Spending more than X+Y+Z time on one book takes away from our budgeted time on other books.

So the problem with Only Author Syndrome douche bags is that they forget about your book, his book, her book, and think "Mai Masterpiece Iz Teh Only 1!"

And as I said above, it wreaks havoc with email as well. I know, from a single person's perspective, sending several emails about the same issue within a couple of hours doesn't seem like a big deal...but there are many, many people who think the same thing. So let's do more math for a moment.

We have four imprints, but one is just being integrated at the moment. So let's just say three. Three imprints and between them about fifty to sixty releases a quarter (a dozen novels between MP and A-S in those three months, and then about three or four releases--short stories, novellas, and novels--a week for our erotica imprint). Starting with sixty, then. In the case of the erotic imprint, many of those are shorts and they're by the same authors. So let's say we're dealing with thirty individual authors with releases in one quarter. All having questions.

See what I'm getting at? See how quickly those repeated questions add up? Can you imagine how much longer it takes the assistant--and the rest of us--to get through our inboxes when a writer sends the same question over and over and over within a day?

In publishing, there's no such thing as being an "only child." And acting as though you're the only one there and yours is the only book that matters and that everything has to be dropped Right Now to accommodate you slows down the whole process and it's disrespectful to everyone else.

Publishing is juggling, folks. It's multitasking. Even if you're "only" a cover artist, you're juggling multiple covers and deadlines. Even if you're "only" an editor, you're juggling a couple of books. Even if you're "only" the assistant who answers emails, you're still getting a hundred questions a day and tracking down answers. If you're me, you're juggling scheduling with editor/author supervision and acquiring, as well as crisis managing. And if, while you're juggling, someone starts jumping up and down in front of you waving their hands in front of your face, screaming "Look at me! Look at me!"...it's gonna fuck things up.

Those suffering Only Author Syndrome make up only about ten percent of the people we deal with. Are you one of them? Probably not. Hopefully not. But before you hit capslock to type in your subject line to an email that seems ZOMG important, please remember that a) everyone else thinks their problem is just as important, and b) capslock** email subject lines don't get answered any faster.

Some people don't get that.

They are douche bags.

Don't be one.

...And I'd also like to add another note here.

You may see me as the bitch editor ranting about authors and hurting their poor little feelings, like publishers are sweet and innocent and authors are all douche bags.

That's not the case.

You know why I take a half hour out of my day to write these columns? Because I am a writer. I always have been. I've been on the publishing staff for two years; I've been storytelling in some form for twenty-five. I could quit everything tomorrow, run away and join the circus, and at the end of the day I'd still be a writer above all else.

I share these stories because I'm a nut about perspective. I like to look at things from all perspectives. I like to know how other people perceive things. And when they're people I'm going to have to work with? You can damn well bet I want to have a long, successful relationship with them, and I want to know what it's like to BE them.

I give you this perspective not to insult you or piss you off, but to share what I feel very fortunate to have--the experience of working all sides of this industry. Working with the cover art staff, on editing, on scheduling, on promotions, and just being there every time a crisis pops up has completely changed my perspective as a writer and how I go about interacting with people.

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Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

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* Actually, a good rule of thumb is that "urgent" means "bleeding from the head." Nothing in publishing can possibly be that kind of emergency. And if you're bleeding from the head, you should be dialling 911, not me.

** Capslock is like the international symbol for YELLING. How likely are you to want to rush and talk to someone yelling at you?