HNTBADBA 101 - Am I a Douche Bag?

Welcome to a new edition of HNTBADBA 101.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

It's Advice Column Friday! Read on for two new DB author questions!

Dear Skyla,

If I send my new Senior Editor the second installment of my series AND a gigantic bottle of vodka at the same time, will that help my SE during the acquisitions process? Meaning, if said editor drinks the vodka whilst reading the manuscript, will she look over my typos and love the book anyway, or will she think I'm a DB author for luring her with alcohol?

Brightest blessings, Miss Witchypants

First, you need to tell me what kind of vodka.

This makes all the difference.

Cheap, I-might-as-well-be-drinking-nail-polish vodka gives a definite impression of douche bag, because instead of screaming "drink me", it says, "use me to clean your sink and toilet." And you don't want to suggest to your SE that she's a lousy housekeeper with a lot of cleaning to do.

(Please note that vodka doesn't actually talk, unless you're high, which is possible with your SE because she could be on some kind of drug just to survive the day...writers are alcoholics, editors are drug addicts in order to deal with the writers. Unless, of course, they've been to rehab, in which case they trade one addiction for another. So it's possible your SE is a sex addict. Have you asked her about that? Maybe you shouldn't, because that could make your working relationship awkward if she thinks you're sexually harassing her. Your best bet is to take her to a casino and see if she loses her house while gambling. If she doesn't, she's not a gambling addict, and therefore probably a sex addict. Unless she hasn't been to rehab yet. Then she's on drugs. So watch to see if she seems to be hearing her cocktail tell her to burn things.)

What were we talking about? Right. Vodka.

Nice, flavoured vodka, on the other hand, says, "I appreciate you, senior editor. You're special to me." Now, she may get so drunk that she doesn't even read your book, but she'll be so embarrassed about that, she'll tell you she loved the book and pretend like she read it. Then she'll edit it later and maybe be like "ZOMG, WTF was I thinking?" so it's best to send her another bottle of vodka during the editing process.

Of course, then your problem is going to be that readers will read the poorly edited book and think WTF? as well, so you should pick them up some vodka too. And some for the reviewers.

Basically, you should invest in a vodka company because I see sales skyrocketing after this column.

Next question!

Dear Skyla,

If you already have a contract with a publishing house, is it considered DB behavior to query an agent? If so, why? Some of us do not know how the industry works & would like to avoid giving ourselves a bad name.

Thank you!

Sincerely, Anon

Excellent question.

First, let's look at agents for a second. (Many are quite smexy, so this shouldn't be a problem.) Being an agent is a job. And why do you have a job? To make money. So the things that an agent spends time doing should, under most circumstances, get the agent money.

How do agents make money? By selling books to publishers and getting their cut of an advance (and later royalties).

So if you've already sold a book to a publishing house, it's too late to query an agent with that book. You've already sold it. Why would they sign you? They've missed out on that big advance (if you got one). Time is money for all of us in this industry, especially when the economy is this bad. They're not going to want to spend time with an author if they're not going to make any money. That just makes sense.

Now, if you write a new book that you don't have contracted, THAT is when you query an agent. It's giving them something to shop around, thereby giving them a way to make money.

(Please note that like most people in the industry, agents aren't JUST doing it to make money. They like books. But the reality is that warm fuzzy feelings from authors don't pay the bills, so they need to do stuff that'll ensure they don't go hungry and homeless. Because it's sad to see a smexy agent hungry and homeless.)

It's not that different from an editor's slush pile. I frequently get submissions that are incomplete. "Here are the first few chapters. I think the book will be about three hundred pages when I'm done." *headdesk*

Repeat after me: Time is money. Agents and editors aren't here to hold a new writer's hand for free. They want a finished, polished manuscript that they can make even more polished and then sell to editors or readers, respectively.

If you're not done a book and want feedback, get a critique group or beta reader. Don't ever, ever ask a publisher to just read a sample and get back to you with feedback. Especially me. Don't do that to me. EVER.

Sorry, I hijacked my own column. Agents. Right. Only query with a finished, unpublished book. Considering they get thousands of emails all the time, an unnecessary query is likely to make them twitch. And it's not good to make people twitch.

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Have a question you want to ask? Drop a line to notadouchebag@skyladawncameron.com Read Da Rules here.

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

Special Disclaimer: Editors aren't necessarily drug addicts. Don't flip out. This is a humour column. Also, there are no doubt exceptions to the agent part, but, as always, the odds that anyone reading this is an exception are slim to none. There are always special circumstances, so don't come back with a whiny, "OMG, you're lying 'cause I heard of this ONE writer out of millions who had ___ happen!"

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