How Not to Pitch Your Book

There was this thing a few weeks ago where agents tweeted about what they were doing throughout the day so authors and anyone else (though who else would care, I'm not sure) could see how they spent their day (ie--why they perhaps hadn't answered a query or submission yet). Hashtag was #agentday.

Inevitably when agents do something like this, some fledgling author takes it upon themselves to pitch their book using the hashtag. First... don't. You look like an ass, not only to agents but to other authors.

There are proper ways to pitch and if you really want an agent, look into them. If you don't want to "waste your time researching" then... I'd say self-publish, but that takes work and research too. If you don't want to put in the work, just slap your book up on your blog with a donate button. That sounds easy enough.

Anyway, now that the basics of author hashtag abuse have been covered, I want to move onto some specifics. During #agentday, there was a specific fledgling author who kept popping up. (Since Twitter is public and the posts are still there, I feel no guilt over quoting said person here. Mind you, I'm using Tweetdeck, so it only goes back a little way into the feed. My commentary is in the parentheses)

Quote #1: Hey #AgentDay...the next big thing is me. (Um... yay arrogance! Er... I suppose she thinks it's confidence. Either way--not as sexy as she thinks it is.)

Quote #2: #AgentDay This is what I sound like when I speak: http://t.co/5Z3TZhm1 and this is what it looks like when I write: http://t.co/yfKXqbs8 (And this has what to do with an agent's day?)

Quote #3: #AgentDay How does a writer get your attentions already? (Um... they aren't doing this to talk to you about how awesome you are. Sorry. Let your minions who are retweeting your idiocy do that. Though, in fairness an agent did respond by telling her "a great idea and writing it really well" <--- nice agent)

Quote #4: Published writer friends! You have an agent, or you know one. Recommendations? You know I'm in need. #AgentDay (And again, this is hashtagged... why? Because some needy agent is just going to pounce on you because you want them to?)

Quote #5 (my personal favorite): #AgentDay My book is the anti-Twilight/Hunger Games: everyone's human! No vampires! It's been called "John Hughes meets Heathers"! Let's go. (and this WTFery gets the rest of the post...)

Now, let's ignore for a moment (I know it's hard, but let's try) the general asshattery of invading the feed with all this shit in the first place (Seriously, this chick and her retweeting minions are about half of the feed that's left on Tweetdeck.) and just focus on that last one.

Anyone who knows me is well aware that I'm not fond of Twilight. Other people are, and I don't begrudge them that. But it's well-known that there is a generally an either love-it or hate-it reaction to those books. Is that even the case with Hunger Games? I've seen very few rants about how awful the writing is or what kind of negative messages it sends to young people. (If I just missed them, please fill me in.) So... using two of the most popular series in recent history (Why isn't Harry Potter included?)--especially two so very different in tone, topic, setting, themes... I could keep going--only shows that the author in question doesn't know the young adult genre. Especially since, unless I'm mis-remembering (I'm almost 40 and senility may be setting in), all the characters in Hunger Games *are* human and there isn't a vampire--sparkly or otherwise--in sight.

Not to mention that I doubt there is an agent out there--regardless of their personal feelings about either of those series--who doesn't wish they'd been the ones to sell them. Agents are in the business of books. They choose books they love, but it's a *business*--one in which they hope to make money. So the author has just said that their book is the anti-money-maker. Bravo, author. Well done.

Plus, you spent more than half your pitch telling people what your book *isn't*. Seriously? Tell people what it is, and I bet you they're smart enough to figure out what it isn't. So, let's move on to the actual "about my book" part of the pitch.

{It's been called "John Hughes meets Heathers"!}

I'm a child of the 80s, and for many years Heathers was my favorite movie. John Hughes movies I enjoyed but didn't lurve. But beyond the fact that she's basically saying it's a goofy-funny dark comedy (which I'm really not sure works)... she's apparently writing an 80s movie. Even if we stretch and call it an 80s book, it's not the 80s anymore. There is *nothing* in that pitch that says young adults today will relate to it.

Now, I'm not knocking the chick's book. I haven't read it, so I can't knock it. Her approach, however, is flawed on sooooooo many levels it's like an "Authors, Don't Do This" guide. If you really want an agent (and in this world of digital- and self-publishing, you don't *need* one), go about it the right way.