On Tuesday my vet very calmly told me there is some arrhythmia when she listened to Shawn’s heartbeat.
I did not have a panic attack…because I already had one the night before when preparing for that very thing, though I did need to go home and have a Valium and cry all night with worry.
It might be absolutely nothing and just a sign of him being stressed at the vet (he was quite uncertain about what was going on and why people kept poking at him). But he’s the surviving member of his entire family so the only history we have is Gus. I don’t want to take any chances and I can’t live constantly afraid like this–if there is something wrong, or some problem beginning, I want to be able to start treatment immediately and at least prepare for it. Every moment since the afternoon we lost Gus, I’ve been scared of this very thing.
Cardiac ultrasounds aren’t cheap. Though I’d already been saving for one, all the vet bills this fall have depleted what I had, and my work hours have dropped drastically this whole time I’ve been ill (and I can’t realistically take on a bunch more projects this month, or I’ll work myself sick again, which I can’t afford to do). So I’m using what resources I already have to bring in extra cash–or hoping to.
The first is a premade cover sale.
These covers can be customized in a couple of business days if you’re ready now, or reserved for later use.
I’d appreciate it shared far and wide, if you have writer circles or friends who might be looking for that special cover. Various genres available.
The same code also works for my online ebook shop: 15% off with the code PINEAPPLE. Mobi/Epub/Pdf available of all my books, and some are only available there (the Livi Talbot Holiday Short, Dial V for Vampire, 9 Crimes, Prey).
I also have most of my print books available for sale, which can be signed and inscribed for you or a friend. No discounts there as I sell what I pay for them and you’ll be billed later for shipping (unless you’re local). The list and instructions are here.
I don’t have the estimated cost of the ultrasound yet or a date (I’ll be calling on Monday to remind them), so I’ve set the sales to go until December 1 in the hopes that’s enough time. We’re doing bloodwork that day as well, so I’m likely looking at around $1K if my research on costs is accurate. It’ll either tell us the heart looks fine, the heart has some kind of defect, or there might be some heart issue starting and we should recheck in six months.
I am thoroughly terrified. I actually started on CBD oil this week in the hopes it might better manage my anxiety. I don’t think I will survive losing him.
Other than that, everything is pretty quiet around here. I am doing my best to cope with stuff, but I’m exhausted and frustrated by how limited my energy is after being sick, and still really depressed at the state of the Livi series. I’m really struggling with any sort of human interaction–it takes me about ten times as long to send work emails as usual and I have (non-work) messages from weeks ago I haven’t been able to reply to. I try to keep reminding myself that my avoidance and paralysis is my brain trying to protect me from expending emotional energy I don’t have now–so many frustrating behaviors of ours are survival mechanisms–but it doesn’t make coping any easier. I’m hoping when I shake this cough I’ll crawl my way back out again.
I just want my kitten to be okay.
*I debated for a while what to make the coupon code and opted for pineapple, obviously.