This is not a recipe post. Why? BECAUSE I DON’T DO RECIPES.
Okay, so I BROWSE recipes and read recipe books, but that’s more to understand how things are put together. I don’t really measure, I don’t time, and something’s done “when it smells done”.
So that caveat aside, how do I make kale smoothies? Why are kale smoothies so baffling? Is only dirty hippies who drink them? Would you like fries with that?
Let’s answer some of those questions.
The first time I made a kale smoothie, I thought I was drinking salad.
It was horrid. THERE WERE GRASSY GREEN CHUNKS IN IT. You can’t blame the fact that I didn’t use a recipe; I read twenty different recipes and not one mentioned THAT IT HAS THE TEXTURE OF SALAD. This might not be an issue if I had, say, a Vitamix, but I don’t and I’m not about to buy a blender for half of my rent money. What I do have is a Magic Bullet. The single size, real simple. Except that it makes grass smoothies.
After pondering this for a good long while, here is the solution I came up with.
First, take your kale. Sweet delicious kale.
Wash it and chop it up. Yes, now. All of it, or however much you’re devoting to smoothies. Chop it up fairly fine.
Now get a mini muffin tin, like this.
Separate the kale into the tray. Don’t look at me like that, just do it.
Now you need some kind of liquid. You can use whatever it is your smoothie base requires (I haven’t tried it with juice, I usually use coconut water), or water might work fine. But pour it in, just a few tablespoons each, over top of the kale until it’s near the top. You might need to press the kale back into it.
Now, VERY CAREFULLY, you put the whole thing in the freezer. Just move all that shit in there until the tray lies flat and nothing spills.
Let it freeze overnight. The next day, pop it out, slide the kale ice cubs out, and put them in Ziploc bags, then toss them back it the freezer. When you’re ready for a smoothie, toss some kale cubes in with your fruit and juice/coconut water/whatever, and blend the fucker.
I am telling you, freezing it into ice cubes solved the salad problem. When I do this (so, I mean, YMMV–you could totally screw it up somehow), the kale cubes blend perfectly, no hunks of green anywhere in sight.
Okay, so how can you use this unique and delicious new thing?
Here’s an easy one:
Kale Green Smoothie
- two or three kale cubes
- coconut water
- something to sweeten (honey? agave? pineapple? blood of children? whatever)
- chia seeds (a tablespoon?)
- a splash of lime
- hemp hearts
I don’t know about measurements. Be a little conservative, blend it, and check the consistency/taste. If it needs thickening, thinning, or sweetening, do so.
Other Stuff to Add:
- spinach (prepare like you do the kale; you can also possibly buy them pre-cubed)
Tell me, loves, what are YOUR smoothie recipes? What tips and tricks can you suggest?